I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!..

Ah, no matter what the situation, that little phrase always kills me. My dad used to yell that at me when I was a kid, then get all puffed up when I smirked. Whattya expect?! That is some funny shit!

Anyway. Imo be a little late with posts this week because I am ILL! Not that cool street jive "ILL" but the "I puked twice for no reason at all and hacked up a gelatinous life sized version of myself in a lime yogurt type of hue" sick.

Sick two fucking weekends in a row! Shit. It's now Monday and I still feel like booty nuggets. I needs me some rest...and Wendy's chicken nuggets! I hope they don't shoot out my nostrils while I violently apologize to the inside of my toilet with numerous grunts and loud gagging noises.

Ta-ta all! See you in a couple of days...

DJB

Getting in touch with my DARKSIDE...

Every once in a while I get a friend getting all up in my kool-aid calling me out on some of my dope ass rhymes. I'm posting the latest Busta who had to get schooled for trying to come at me all hard 'n shit!

Please read from the bottom up:



Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 14:34:02 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damon J Barron" Add to Address Book
Subject: RE: Web link
To: "M*** M*******"


Obi wan beats vader like a big winner
Burning up Anakin like a fried chicken dinner
Turning to da dark side? You gotta be whack!
Stay cool wit da force and Yoda's got your back

Mace Windu's da blackest brutha in the universe
Fucked up Jango Fett, now he's rollin in a hearse
Anakin messed with Dooku not knowin the skills that he got
Pussy bitch got his arm chopped off, now busts a mean robot

Padm'es got Luke and Leia chillin in the oven
Gets choked by her man, can't she get no lovin?
Chewbacca makes a cameo, I think that's pretty fresh
Makes my nipples so hard they can rip through flesh!!



ya know it.


M*** M******* wrote:


Damn, your rhymes are ill and phat
Obi Wan's a Vader hater, what up wit dat?
Dude's just jealous cuz Anakin's eat'n Padme's pussy-cat

Straight tripin...no need for Ben to front
He can go mack out Mon Mothma's juicy cunt
that's the end of my stunt, time to smoke a blunt

word


-----Original Message-----
From: Damon J Barron [mailto:kenobimail@*****.com]
Sent: Friday, February 25, 2005 1:36 PM
To: M*** M*******
Subject: RE: Web link

After viewing them
I think i'll forget about suing 'em
Obi wan can kick some ass
Knocking Anakin in lava like river bass
Gots to check out this flick
Hope it don't blow like you on my dick!

aww yeah! PAYCE!

M*** M******* wrote:

Yes, it did.
Those EIII picks look diggety-dope like new hope and the pope hanging from a rope!

nooch.

-----Original Message-----
From: Damon J Barron [mailto:kenobimail@*****.com]
Sent: Friday, February 25, 2005 1:18 PM
To: M*** M*******
Subject: Web link


hey Blumpkin Splash!

Did that link i sent you the other day work? My boss said he couldn't get on?

DJB


DAMN YO! He got straight served!!! Betta recognize padna! BULLIDAT!

Chilly "D"

Time to go to school! CHOP CHOP! C'mon, let's go!..

About 11 years ago, when I was a young ravishing buck, I got a phone call from my little sister Vanessa. I found this a bit strange because we never really called each other to shoot the shite or anything so I assumed it must be important? She was a junior in High School and just sliding into her annoying asshole teenager phase. Everyone to her was un-cool and a drag to talk to, unless you were one of her buddies. Her buddies were your typical dip-shit crew and knowing how my sister was, she was the queen of the dip-shits.

“Hello? Damon?” in the tone that says I should consider myself lucky to be getting her call
“Uh…yeees?”
“It’s me Vanessa …” (I always think it’s funny when people you know call you and inform you that it is indeed them on the phone and not an impersonator)
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Can I ask you a favor..?"
“Depends? What is it?”
“I need to have a speaker come into my class and have them explain their job. We’re having career day and if you come in I’ll get extra credit”
“Really? What time do I have to be there if I go?” (Damon loves his sleep, yes he do)
“You’d have to be there at 9:30 in the morning and come to my government class. They are having other speakers come in so I don’t know how long it would take? It shouldn’t take too long though”
“Vanessa, I work at Best Products? I’m only a dept. head in electronics, don’t they have people with real jobs going in?”
“It doesn’t matter. As long as you have a job you can come in”
“…”
“Hello?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m thinking?”
“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to…”

Now after her last statement I felt like Bigfoot’s dick. The tone of her voice let me know that it probably wasn’t easy for her to call her brother up and ask for a favor, and it also had a tinge of being let down. She was my sister and just because we weren’t as close as Siamese twins doesn’t mean I should send the message that she can’t come to me when she needs help. Even if the help she needs is something lame like speaking at career day.

“No, it’s cool. I’ll go, just give me directions…”

I was 19 at the time and living in lovely Rancho Cucamonga with a couple of roommates. Back in those days things were pretty fun and fancy-free. It’s that prime age where your still happy to finally be out of school, yet bummed you have to work like a dog if you don’t want to live at home. High School was a wonderful place for the social part of it, but I despised the whole structure part and had no desire to continue that hell in College. Knowing I didn’t want to live at home, I chose to work as soon I got out of school. I honestly planned to go to College, but only after I enjoyed the taste of freedom from the school system. This never panned out. Somehow I had landed a job at BEST PRODUCTS and I even became Dept. Head of Electronics. This prestigious position meant that I set up displays and got to listen to my CD’s for an entire shift.

Knowing that all I really had going was a crappy job I was a bit puzzled on how I was going to spin that working in a catalogue store was a decent job, important even. There wasn’t a way, so I was just going to have to wing it and hope my sister got her extra credit.

I knew I had an obligation to my sister and I was going to have to be responsible enough to follow through on it. I also knew that I like beer and lots of it. That night my roomies and me decided to go on a bender. Convincing myself that I would still be able to drink vast amount of beer and wake up early enough to get to my sisters High School, I let the spirits flow. And they flowed and flowed till the break of dawn.

I was sitting in a diner with Cindy Crawford and she had just ordered the same thing I did. When she reaches over and holds my hand…SHIT! I was dreaming! I sit up faster than a bunny fucking and look over to my alarm clock. After rubbing the sleep nuggets out of my eye the display finally comes into focus…9:02 am. HUH! I thought I had set my alarm? It was around this time that I also realized I was a wee bit hung over and my mouth felt and tasted like I was sucking farts out of dirty buttholes all night. There would be no time for me to shower and if I hurried I could at least brush my teeth…but I would have to stay in the same clothes I woke up in. I run into the bathroom; after squirting toothpaste on my toothbrush I get to brushing. As I furiously brushed my choppers I looked into the bathroom mirror. I was sporting some wicked bed head and it made me look like I just walked out of an explosion. Keep in mind this was 11 years ago, way back then I had a full head of black hair and it was soft as velvet. It looked nothing like the coarse balding hair that’s sprinkled with gray I sport around town with today. I would have to use the lazy mans hair comb; it’s called a “HAT”. I decide to put a fresh t-shirt on and dash out the door so I can come through for little Vanessa! Baby Ima coming!

Screeching into the school parking lot I stunt drive my car into a parking spot and barely pull my keys from the ignition before I leap out and run to my sisters class. As I’m running I realize my sister only gave me the room number and no directions on how to get to it? I was ‘that guy” who runs around classroom windows and makes everyone in those classes turn to look out and see me look like an idiot. I find it, take my hat off (which made my hair look perfect thank you very much) and walk into the classroom. The room is silent and everyone was looking at me. I notice there was a speaker up front, whom I’d obviously barged in on. After a small uncomfortable silence, she gets back to her presentation. Some lady runs up to me, with a big smile on her face and whispers, “why hello! Are you a speaker for today?”
I figure out she’s my sisters teacher and nervously answer, “Yeah. I’m Vanessa Barron’s brother.”
“Oh great! Well we have a speaker right now but you can go on right after her”
“Ok. Thanks”

Looking around I see some of the other speakers who have already said their piece and notice all of them are dressed rather nicely. Self-consciously I lightly place a hand on my t-shirt and baggy shorts I had shown up in. I look around to see where my sister is and finally I spot her. My eyebrows perk up a bit and I wave to her. She’s sitting in the middle of a cluster of desks surrounded by her friends. She sees me and rolls her eyes while lazily telling her friend “oh, that’s my brother.” The tone of this statement said that I was obviously not cool enough to get a friendly acknowledgement. By simply waving to her I was cramping her style and she had to explain who I was before the embarrassment of my being her brother kicked in. OH NO SHE DIDN’T! I had been feeling guilty for almost letting her down and while wallowing in a wicked hang over I had jumped on the freeway to be there for her. How dare she roll her eyes at me and not even say hello! So this was the way it was going to be huh? Fine.

While stewing with brotherly anger towards my sister the speaker up front had wrapped up her babbling. I snap out of my trance and her teacher calls me towards the front of the class.
“Next we have Vanessa’s brother and he’s going to tell us a little about what he does at work!”
She extends her arm in that “here he is” motion and the class applauds my arrival. This was it, SHOW TIME!

“Hello. My name is Damon Barron and I’m a martial arts teacher”
“Oooh”, her teacher coos.
“I’ve been training in martial arts since I was little and for the last couple of years I’ve been training my sister in proper martial arts technique” At this point my sister’s jaw has dropped so low it’s resting on her desk. She looks pale and her eyes are filled with horror. I wink and smile at her.
“WOW”, her teacher exclaims, “ Maybe you can show us some of what Damon’s taught you?”
My sister just shakes her head no and doesn’t change her expression.
“Now the martial arts aren’t something that you should do carelessly, it’s something you should take seriously if you’re going to execute any moves. So today I’m going to show you some of the moves I teach my class, and my sister as well”

Now the situation was this, I didn’t know shit about any form of martial arts. I never even said what kind of martial arts I knew now that I think about it. The only thing I had under my belt was that I had seen some Bruce Lee movies and a few episodes of Kung Fu. Shit, that’s all I needed!

All of the students were leaning forward on their desks with excitement and anticipation. They were ready to see the master at work and I would not disappoint.

I make the “L” sign with both hands and slowly push my arms out with a look of strain on my face. I let out a loud dramatic breath and get started. I start off with a few karate chops in the air while charging towards my left. I snap back around to my right and charge forward with a fury of various punches. I let out some more dramatic breaths as I do this. I decide some kicks should be thrown in and lift my right knee up and KICK into the air. The crowd was sucked in. A combination of moves takes over me and I actually feel like I really know me some martial arts! This was great; I was so into it I don’t even care about the class anymore. Even my sister’s teacher was watching in fascination. Fuck that bitch, I was in the ZONE! How was I going to end such a remarkable show? Ah, I knew. I give a few more karate chops and punches, then I jump as high as I can in the air and give the highest kick you’ve ever seen! All this was done while I yelled “HIIIGH YAAA!” as loud as I can. When my feet finally land on the ground I stand still, put my hands at my side, then make the “L” sign again and push my hands out in front of me. I let out a long breath of air and look around the room. Silence…then it’s broken by a round of applause.
“Thank you, thank you. I was just kidding though. I really only work at Best Products”
It looked like the class didn’t want to believe me but after I start to explain my duties they let the heaviness of truth fall upon them. My sister had her head down on her desk and I continue to disappoint her class. When I’m done saying my piece I get some claps, but nothing like the ones I got when I knew martial arts. The teacher thanks me for coming and I start to walk towards the door. The whole time I’m walking my sister is burning a hole in my soul with her fiery gaze. I smile and walk out into the morning’s sunlight. I was satisfied. Today was going to be a good day.

That evening my phone rings and as soon as I say hello a scream fills my ears. It was my mother.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!? VANESSA TOLD ME YOU WERE DOING SOME KARATE SHIT IN HER CLASS!”
As she’s yelling this at me I could hear my sister egging her on in the background.
“Well, maybe if she showed some appreciation instead of acting so pompous this might not have happened”
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! YOU DID THIS IN FRONT OF HER CLASS!”
I don’t really remember what other crap she barked at me, and to be honest, I didn’t care either. Today had been a GREAT day!

DJB

Killing-Fucking-Chickens put on their shit "Kickers", A week-day review...

FOOD:


I like to think of myself as a veteran of fine foods and I'm not afraid to try different kinds of eats. This being the case I found myself unable to avoid the lure of KFC's new chicken "Kickers". I had seen commercials for this sandwich and from what the commercial portrays, it's a delectable, nicely portioned, juicy piece of breaded chicken incased in a roll with lettuce and sauces. When eaten with a group of friends it provides more fun and laughs than a midget orgy, or so the commercial has you believe. Well, I like chicken! I like friends! I like to eat with friends and laugh hysterically until chicken chunks fly out of my mouth and tears run down my cheeks! PLUS they were only 99 cents! Looks like KFC had a custom made sandwich just for me and I wasn't about to let them down by not trying it!

After a long day at the office I ended up carpooling with a friend I like to call "Starving!" I had a meager lunch and Starving asked if he could have a ride home at the end of the day. "Of course!" I say, then I unlock the passenger door to let Starving in and away we go.

Starving had the idea to try the new KFC Kicker and who was I to argue. After a brief exchange with the youth of today on the drive through speaker I order two Kickers (one for me and one for Starving). As Starving and I roll towards the drive-thru we wonder if the little fucker in the window jizzed in our French rolls before sliding in those big juicy chicken breasts. Starving doesn't seem to mind so neither do I. As Francisco hands us our bag of treats I notice the extra long pony tail he has and wonder how long the strands take to dissolve after they fall in the hot oil?

Starving and I decide to consume our sammiches at my apartment, seeing as how I lived so close to KFC and all. I reach into the bag and try to keep the drool in my mouth while doing so. HUH? Starving and I were puzzled at what we pulled out of the bag. Instead of two big juicy sandwiches I pulled out two foil wrapped balls the size of a poodle's head! WHAT THE FU...! We unwrap our small items (that were obviously put in our bag by mistake) and anger mixed with depression set it. These WERE our Kickers! Right dab in the middle of the wrapping was an old baby shoe filled with lettuce and a chicken strip?! I picked up the little fucker and it really was smaller than the palm of my hand. Starving was a bit disappointed, but I assured him that perhaps they were just small in size and BIG in taste?! Since it was Starvings big idea to get these things I demanded Starving satisfy his craving first. Biting into the first bite Starving is instantly disappointed. Out of sheer hunger, Starving finishes the rest of the morsel and abruptly leaves! Sitting alone and feeling lower than an ants nut sack I try to finish my sandwich. Damn that Starving for making me go to KFC!

The bun on the sammich is soggy. I believe this is from being partially filled with warm mayonnaise, funky lettuce and then getting sealed up in foil wrap. The chicken strip is about the size of a puppy turd, and I can imagine just as tasty. I throw half of it away and was a bit surprised the trash can didn't throw it right back! Not only was the satisfaction of a good meal nil, but I could feel my butthole quivering like the lip of a crying child. This food was obviously conjured up by Satan himself.

KFC Kickers- *Star. Avoid at all costs.

DJB

Grandma Loopy kicks the bucket...

Guadalupe Pantoja Barron, this is the name of a short cotton haired lady I call Grandma. She was born and raised in Mexico and married my Grandfather Cruz, no joke that was his name, in the good ole U.S. of A. After a few years of marriage and then having children in this fine and dandy country you’d think she would have taken the initiative to learn English? I’m not saying she doesn’t speak English; she just doesn’t speak it anywhere close to well. Most of my childhood memories consist of her doing that jive where she’d clap her hands together while tilting her head and then opening her arm with her palms out while using her wretched English to say “Aye Mijo…how are ju?” I would fall into her arms like I was pulled in with a tractor beam and just get the damn hug over with. My sisters and I would later call her Grandma Flav because she had a nice amount of gold either outlining her teeth or covering them entirely. Word on the street is gold toofasis was the way shit went down in Mexico? All I know is she was years ahead of the gold wearing rap fad of the 80’s. Another odd, yet cool, memory is how she could shoot some mean B-Ball. I don’t know why or how but she would school us when we played
H-O-R-S-E by making some unbelievable shots from the porch of her house? After she would swish her shots she would clap her hands together, tilt her head and then let out a mix of a cackle and a laugh.

As I got older I started to realize that Grandma wasn’t the sweet old lady Grandmothers were supposed to be. No, she was actually a bitter old lady who used pathetic drama to either get her way, or just flat out annoy you. One of my first examples of this was when I was a wee lad and saved my nickels and dimes (FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS! Bonus points if you get that reference) and bought her a nice bunch of flowers for her birthday. I can remember sitting in the car caught up in daydreams of my presenting her with the flowers and securing my spot as her best grandchild. My sisters were in the car, but I think they only had cards or something droll like that. We pull into my grandparent’s driveway and I can’t wait to get inside to deliver my goods! Anxious to make my delivery, I lead everyone into the house. Most of times I went to visit the grandparents they would be sitting at the kitchen table across from each other, this was one of those times. My grandfather gives me a hug when I walk in and I give a meager hug back and head straight for Grandma Flav. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA!” I blurt out with glee. Then my TRUE grandmother let herself be known. “Uuugh, thank you Mijo. They…are nice” she replies as she takes them from my hand and sets them on the counter. She only looked at them for a second and set them aside? Sonofabitch! That’s it?! That’s what I saved my money for? To have her let out a breath like she ran a marathon and then tossing my flowers aside like they were junk mail?! SONOFABITCH! My dad just kind of put his hand on my shoulders as if to tell me “I know, just let it go.” I would have understood if she reacted like that because she was on her deathbed or something, but she wasn’t. The one thing I do know though is that I was never hording my cash to buy her a gift again! She had no idea how many boxes of lemon heads,
Chic-o sticks, Boston baked beans and Alexander the Grapes she had cost me…but I did.

From that day on I notice she never said a word without letting out that breath like it was going to be her last. “Uuuugh…Mijo, would you like some juice” “uuugh…do you want to watch TV?” “Uuugh…Mijo put the knife down.” Then I also started to notice she would just start talking to me in Spanish? I was just a kid and my parents never spoke any Spanish at my house unless we were going to Taco Bell. Even now when I talk to her she insists on saying only one thing in English, then it’s all Spanish after that! Oh, did I leave that part out? Yeah, my grandmother is still alive! She ain’t going nowhere! Fuck, her mother just died last year and she was 109 yrs old! She was uglier than a nightmare with the devil in it too, and ever since we were kids she looked as if she was carved out of driftwood and no taller than Yoda. She would only talk to me in Spanish too! These chicks were straight old school Mexican ladies right on down to the dramatic way they talked and moved their hands while speaking.

When my grandfather passed away she got even worse. Years later my father and his boyfriend Jim (YES JIM! I OUTTED YOU! HAHA) would move into her house and take care of her. This is when the fun would start. Over the last few years of them living there she had planted a seed of dislike within the two of them and we’ve watched it grow into a blossoming bushel of hate for her! Do I blame them? No. Now that I’m adult I’ve realized that hate was created for at least one person in our lives and that doesn’t exclude family.

There are many stories I could tell about this twisted old broad, but this one is the one that had the most impact on me.

One sunny morning my Grandmother’s house was abuzz with everyone starting their days and doing what it is people do in the morning. My sister had been staying at the house at the time so there was a full house consisting of Pops, Jim, Lisa and G-love. The old man and my sister were in different bathrooms getting ready while Jim was getting ready in one of the rooms. While my dad is in the bathroom he recalls Grandma knocking on the door. He tells her he’ll be out in a second and when he opens the door…no one is there? He blows it off and goes about his business. My sister was finishing up in the bathroom she was in and makes her way out. As my sister walks out of the bathroom and toward the kitchen she sees my Grandmother scurrying in from the garage door, which is attached to the kitchen, and when she spots my sister she let’s out a scary laugh and shoots straight for her room. What makes the laugh scarier is that in recent years my Grandmother had decided that looking like a shrunken mad scientist was where it was at! She was barely 5 ft tall, wore house gowns, ratty slippers, no make-up, glasses that resembled the ones Mrs. Claus would wear, and had hair as white as clouds and styled like Colonel Sanders.

My sister was a bit puzzled because she didn’t even know my Crazy G was even in the garage. My dad walks into the kitchen and my sister proceeds to tell him about the odd run in she had with Gram Crackers. “Huh? What was she doing in the garage?” to which my sister answers with a shrug. Baffled he opens the garage door and turns on the light. Without going further than the first step from the door my father is blocked by a wall of stench! He says it was like smelly tear gas and he almost gagged. He opens the main garage door to let in some fresh air while also letting out the rank smell overtaking the garage. After he opens the main garage door he tells my sister how bad it smelled in there and for her to go smell the aroma in the garage. This is the part that I don’t get…SHE GOES IN AND TAKES A WHIFF! Why? If my dad is obviously pale and scarred from his jaunt into the garage wouldn’t you just take his word for it? I’m sure no one makes that shit up so they can trick you into smelling strawberries or something! It’s like when your with someone who smells a fart, sniffs around round and exclaims “WHAT IS THAT SMELL? DO YOU SMELL THAT?” Then they take a couple more hearty whiffs and go “EEEW! WHAT IS THAT?!” Was it really necessary to take the second whiff to suck up the rest of the smell? No. No it isn't.

Determined to crack the case my father starts OPERATION PHANTOM ODOR! He goes back into the garage and the smell isn’t as bad anymore, but it still stinks. My grandmother’s garage is packed with crap! There is my uncles old truck; the bed filled with boxes, a vintage coke machine, tools, some furniture, etc. My dad starts looking around like a bloodhound and when he turns the corner of the coke machine he comes face to face with the enemy. The old man has a wicked set of tools because he is the next best thing to Bob Villa. Some of the tools he uses most he keeps in a big white bucket. Well, the tools were dumped out of the bucket but the bucket was still there. This was no longer a tool bucket.

With a look I can only imagine resembled a priest giving an exorcism, he stares at the bucket. The bucket is half covered with shit and when he leans forward he sees there is shit inside the bucket as well. There were no logs to be seen either, no; this was straight up ass mudslide material. Infuriated my dad swallows his disgust and starts the clean up process. Now he knew what my grandmother was doing in the garage and was beyond furious. As he gets the hose to spray the garage he notices a soaked slipper on the patio, my grandmothers slipper. Turns out grandma’s aim wasn’t so good and when she went to squat over the bucket she miscalculated the distance resulting in her shitting all over the side of the bucket AND her foot! But it gets better; spread out on the planter was some old lady chonies! Her underwear took a hit and were down for the count. He finishes cleaning up Poo Radley's mess and quickly goes into the house to confront his demon.

Going to her room he asks my grandmother “why did you shit in the garage.” Adding fuel to his fire, my grandmother just laughs and waves both hand at him like it was no big deal. You see this is what happened according to my grandmother’s confession. Since my sister was in one bathroom and my dad was in the other there were no bathrooms left. Oh yeah, and my grandmother had taken a grip of laxatives so they weren’t helping her out either. Knowing that she was about to blow like Old Faithful she decided to go into the garage and find a solution. Her solution? Why it was to dump a bucket of tools and aim her ass blaster toward the bucket of course. Who wouldn’t do that? It made perfect sense…TO A CRAZY OLD LADY FILLED WITH SHITTER PILLS! Knowing it was pointless to argue with her my dad stares her down, turns on his heels, and leaves her room like a beaten man.

I had been visiting the old man when he recited this horrid tale to me. My grandmother was in her room and wasn’t aware I was visiting. Normally I won’t disturb her because she acts like I came back from traveling the world and all she could think of was me while I was gone. Sure it sounds sweet, but it’s such a phony display of affection that you just want to hug her until you feel her spine snap in your arms. I listen to every word of my dad’s story with intense curiosity. Every word that fills my ears disgusts me more and more. “Wha…I mean…How…” I just didn’t know what to say. I finally settled on the scholarly response of “THAT IS SO FUCKING GROSS!” to express my true feeling. Within minutes of barking that statement out my grandmother emerges from her room and looks right at me. “Uuuugh…MIJO! Oh, how are ju?” and she is coming at me with open arms. Now I hated giving her hugs before but this was different. After talking to my dad I couldn’t get the story out of my head and looking at the cause of all this disgust I felt was coming at me for a big hug. I could feel my breakfast making it’s way up my throat and I swore I smelled shit the closer my grandmother got. When she finally grabs me I am clouded with visions of shit and the aroma of excrement as well. I shake her off like a cobweb and walk back to my chair. My dad doesn’t even look at her and stares straight ahead. She says her good byes and shuffles back to her room. “Aw man! Was it just me or did she smell like shit?! I think she did! Goddamn it even if she doesn’t, she will always smell like shit to me now! SHIT!”
“I didn’t smell her, I didn’t even want to look at her,” my dad says while making a face one would make…well, after cleaning up a bucket of shit!

To this day I try not to linger in the garage and if I do have to venture in there I try not to go around the coke machine or look at the ground near it. I also try to avoid my grandmother when I visit but I’m not always so lucky. No matter how much time goes by and how pristine my grandmother may appear, she will always smell like shit to me, and that’s pretty shitty.

DJB

Did you EAR the one about the R.E.M. bassist?..

I'm not really into posting articles and such, but this one actually pertains to one of my prior entries. Well, kind of at least...



REM's bass player rushed to hospital


REM were forced to cancel a UK show on Monday night after bass player Mike Mills was rushed to hospital.

The musician collapsed just an hour before the American rockers were due to go onstage in Sheffield and was immediately taken to the nearest medical centre.

A spokesperson for the group said: "Mike could hardly stand up let alone play."

After arriving at the hospital, Mills complained to doctors he was suffering from severe flu symptoms and loss of balance and after being given a thorough medical examination was diagnosed as suffering from an ear infection.

Mills' illness left 12 000 fans, who had battled through a blizzard to get to the venue, devastated and fearing they would be going home bitterly disappointed.

However, fellow bandmates, singer Michael Stipe and guitarist Peter Buck, came out to explain the situation and treated fans to a short acoustic set of the band's classic hits.

The two musicians performed The One I Love, Leaving New York, I've Been High and Losing My Religion before walking off to rapturous applause.

The concert has now been re-scheduled for June 15, although it is believed Mills should be well enough to play in Glasgow, in Scotland, on Tuesday night.

The group's spokesperson added: "The band feels terrible about having to cancel the show at the last minute. Anyone who has a ticket for the show should hold on to their ticket stub and they will gain entry."




Poor Mike. THAT SHIT HURTS LIKE A BITCH DON'T IT MIGUEL!?
Imagine that?! I gets me the same illness as superstars AND I have a bass guitar! Damn that Jesus, he doesn't play favorites do he?

DJB

"V" the final battle and Chuck-ing the old boyfriend in the trash...

Last night I decide to go to my good buddy the Redman's house for quality buddy time...and to dump some CD's in my MP3 player. The Redman is a stand up loyal buddy and he has been more and more domesticated by his fiance' in the last couple of years. His fiance', I-huey (pronounced "eee-way", or "Ewok" as I call her), is also a nice lady and what makes her even more amusing is the fact that she is from China. Now I don't mean she is Chinese only, she is authentic 100% Chinese and still new to some of our crappy American culture and customs. Now don't go thinking that the Redman is only marrying his lady to keep her in the country (I already thought that a year ago. It ain't true). It is true love, the kind of true love that makes you sick to your stomach when you are subjected to their cutesy conversation and in your face PDA. I must also mention the little lady that rounds out the trio. She goes by the handle "Ting-ting" and to be frank, I'm not sure if that's her real name or a variation of her real name. Wee little Ting-ting is almost 5 yrs old and from what I've seen, runs soley on yoo-hoo and candy. She even has false teeth already. I think the mind set is "she's going to lose her teeth anyway right?" and I think it's funny she has caps so I don't preach. So there you have it, a little background on last nights gracious hosts.

Seeing as how Ewok is from China this means most of the people she knows out here are from China as well. Some speak good English and some just speak. When these little scamps get together it sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher talking in different octaves. Don't get me wrong, they are sweet as sugar, but you just expect to hear the ringing of a gong after everything they say.

When I finally arrive at the Redman's house he tells me Ewok is going to have some of her friends over. For some reasons mentioned above I was already smiling in anticipation to meet them. I forget the lady's name that arrived first but I do remember that she was 40 years old AND A VIRGIN!!! Just that little chunk of information was enough to blow me away! How in the hell does that even happen?! My mind was racing with questions, "was she cute?" "is she a nun or a monk?" "doesn't she get the horns?" and other questions which I apparently thought out loud. The Redman just chuckled and told me he didn't really know what her deal was (while trying to hide the fact that he was baffled by this enigma as well) and would only say "she's...plain" when asked if she was attractive. I HAD to meet this woman, maybe even help her out (wink wink).

After about a half an hour I hear someone arrive (I was in the spare room downloading CD's) and I realize the moment of truth is at hand. I can even say there was a bit of excitement in knowing that parts of the mystery will finally be solved. "DAMON! Come in the living room" Ewok yells to me and snaps me out of my daydream, "OK" I answer back. I shuffle into the living room in my normal bad posture stride and meet lady "V". I will fess up about being a little disappointed that she wasn't a total knockout, but she was a really shy sweet lady. If you haven't picked up on it yet, I'm really terrible with remembering names...and everything else at times. (See MM review) Since I can't remember it I will refer to her as "V".

V shakes my hand and practically bows while barely making eye contact. Her English isn't very good but she still manages to smile and give a soft spoken "hello". I give a hearty handshake and try to give a non-monotone greeting. I can tell by her body language that she is probably sheltered, very shy and prefers not having long conversations in English. Ewok tells me that V has brought some Chinese food so to grab a plate. V nods her head in agreement. This is also a treat because I knew the food was going to be tasty. Think about it, would a strongly cultured Chinese lady NOT know a good Chinese food place? Shit, I'm 100% white washed Mexican and even I know where to get some dope ass wetback eats! Like I expected, the food was delicious. I know for a fact there was; white rice, gung pow chicken and chow mien. The other stuff could have been rat dicks and hobo buttholes in brown sauce for all I know? Whatever, it was simply divine and maybe it's better I don't know what the other selections were because I had 2 servings. We all sit at the table and as much as the Redman and I tried to make small talk with V we just couldn't make it happen. I honestly believed she wanted to talk with us but was a little self conscious about her English. When I first laid my peepers on the feast spread out on the table I tell her "MMM, where is this from?" she kind of hesitates, then points to herself and says, "where...am I from?" I give a little laugh because I thought it was such an innocent mistake (not to mention I tend to talk like I just recovered from a stroke so this was probably another hurdle for her) and tell her "no, the food" to which she just smiled and looked down at her plate while whispering a soft "oh". I started to really feel kind of down because although she was a little odd, she was a genuinely nice and VERY sheltered person. VERY sheltered. Ewok finally grabs the reigns and starts chatting up a storm with "V" so she isn't left talking to us assholes.

During their conversation Ewok tells me that another of her pals is coming over. Now this girls name was Harriett and was...CHINESE! I had actually heard of this girl before because she was supposedly cute and pretty tall. At some other shin dig E&R had she had been roaming around and I vaguely recall seeing her. I was pretty pickled this night too and from what hazy memories I could conjure up there was a slight vision of cuteness in there somewhere. When her name was dropped by either Ewok or Redman I would ask if she was cute and what her deal was. Ewok would excitedly tell me that I should meet her, where as Redman would say "She's cute...but she could use a little dental work." I usually only take the Redmans criticisms of ladies as half truths and shrug it off. Lady H wasn't coming over for a social visit, or to oogled by goofy Mexican guys. No, Harriett was on her way over to gather up some escorts so she could reclaim some of her goods from MIKODO, the boyfriend she just dumped. (MEE-KOE-DOE! insert drawn out Chinese accent here) Seems Mikodo wasn't quite ready to be dumped and was, what us round-eyes call, FREAKING OUT! He was coming off rather creepy and telling Harriett things like he wouldn't give her her belongings, he wasn't going to let her go and something about chopping her up into little bits and serving her in fried rice to her friends. If it was tasty I wouldn't have minded. Ewok, being the bestest friend that she is, told her to come over and her and the Redman would drive her over to Mocoso's house so she wouldn't get killded.

It seems like quite some time had passed and no Harriett? The night was pouring down water like God had busted a pipe and Ewok seemed a little concerned about her buddy. A little bit of worry later Harriett calls and says she is on her way and nervous about going over to her Ex's house. Ewok assures her everything will be OK and that the Redmans friend was over and he was a big guy so he would go along with them. The friend was me, and if by big guy she meant tall chubby guy with posture like Shaggy from Scooby Doo than she was right on the money. I give her the "what the fuck are you talking about" face and she just waves me down. When she finally gets off the phone she starts to give me some B.S. about "oh, you don't want anything to happen to her do you? You can just stand there. C'mon Damon, pleeease!?" She might have a point I think to myself and after a bit of pondering I tell her "FUCK THAT SHIT! I don't know this girl! AND if she has some nutty boyfriend why would I want to get a cap busted in me?!" The Ewok looks a bit dismayed by this and I cave in. I mean, she did open her house to me and I had a wonderful Chinese dinner compliments of V, so I reluctantly agreed and moped back to my CD copying. As I walk away I see a smirk on the Redmans face and I can actually feel the heel of my shoe wiping it away.

As I sit in the other room "ripping" CD's to my MP3 player I hear some of the banter going on in the living room. At some point during the conversation I hear the Redman ask, "where is Harriett?" and Ewok replies with, "Oh, Chuck is dropping her off"
"Who's Chuck?" the Redman rightfully asks
"That's her new boyfriend, he's dropping her off..." the Ewok quickly blurts out
I feel a sudden burst of nausea and rage over come me as Ewok's last words sink in. HER BOYFRIEND!? CHUCK?! I don't know what was more irritating, that she was playing the sceered ex-girlfriend role knowing she was already hugged up with a new guy, The new guy "Chuck" just dropping her off to fend for herself while she dealt with Nutty McCuckoo, or the fact that an Asian guy was named "Chuck"? Who cared? I jumped out of my seat and power walked into the living room. "Did I just hear you right? Her boyfriend is dropping her off? Why the hell isn't he going with her to her Ex's house? Why am I going to her Ex's house to take Chuck's bullet? Is his name really Chuck?!" The Redman is snickering with amusement while I continue my griping.
"She already has a new guy right? Well no wonder Mikodo is going nuts!"
Ewok- "No, he doesn't know about Chuck. This is why he's not going to go"
"That doesn't make any fucking sense! Guess what? Mikodo don't know shit about Damon either! And I'm not even poking his lady! So why should I go instead of Chuck. Chuck obviously knows about Mikodo so it's only fair he goes!" After this little exchange I hear a couple of soft giggles from V and the Redman throws out a "that's what I'm saying" or something of that nature.

Now I'm peeved and can't wait to meet this Harriett. She had better be some kind of unbelievable cutie if I'm even going to think about joining the carpool to Mikodo's. I go back to my business and after a few mins. I hear a knock at the door followed by two new voices. The sinners had arrived. Right away I get the call from Ewok to meet the two heartbreakers. Quick side note, when Ewok calls out for me when her company arrives it makes me feel like a baby Huey computer nerd. Could you imagine being at someone's house and being summoned like your some fucking mongaloid?

I step into the living room again to meet the new arrivals and notice that Harriett is actually attractive. Not breathtaking, but attractive. She smiles, Ewok introduces me and I smile and wave hello. Harriett waves back and says "Hello Damon". WHAT THE FUCK?! As she opens her mouth to speak I feel a little shit nugget fall down my pant leg and my brow crumples with fear and awe. Some one had obviously taken Harriett's teeth and replaced them with tombstones from a haunted graveyard! Note to self: Take the Redman a little more serious when he critiques the ladies. I quickly turn my mortified gaze to the little Asian man standing next to her. "Damon, this is Chuck" Ewok blurts out while giving an arm motion towards him like he was some game show prize. I just gave him a eyebrow raise and a heads up nod. "Little sumbitch" I thought to myself as I stood there. As Ewok starts to talk to Graveyard Grill and Chuck I do an about face and go to the other room and back to my CD's. If I wasn't sure before, I was definitely sure after meeting the dynamic duo that I wasn't going anywhere. Fuck 'em both. It was just plain rude dragging everyone into their drama, especially when it was stormy weather outside AND I was trying to copy CD's.

Just before they are all about to leave, Ewoks yells back to me "DAMON! Are you going to go with us?" (with a touch of amusement in her voice)
"Naw. I don't think it's a good idea if I go. Let Chuck take the bullet..."
A moment of silence..."OK! Stay as long as you want and if you leave just go ahead and lock up"
"Ok, good luck"

After talking with the Redman after their trip to Mikodo's he confirms that Chuck did indeed drop Harriett off and went home. Harriett forgot her key to get in the apartment complex where Mikodo's dojo was and ended up just getting her car. What a fucking joke! I think Mikodo had locked himself in the house or something and for some reason that amused me, I was becoming a Mikodo fan. At the end of the night I saw the irony in the evening. Here was this 40 year old virgin who was so strong into her culture that she was keeping herself "pure" for when she finally decided to give up the goods to some hombre. Then you had Harriett, some one else who had the same culture as V yet was screwing one guy, then finding a new man and screwing the other guy over! There was no pride with Harriett, she wasn't as naive as V, yet played the victim to her friends. And this Chuck fellow, what a puss, actually shame on Toothy McToothtooth and Chuck! How disrespectful they were to poor little Mikodo.

My eyes have been open to the fact that havng no class isn't just an American thing, it is known world wide. What a treat.

My only regret for the night was not thanking V for the fine cuisine she brought over (she had skipped out like a ninja on the run and I didn't know) and getting caught up in some bizarre drama which costs me a few CD downloads.

Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be teamed up with Shark Teef at the Redman and Ewok's wedding! Curses! Unless she can do a mean robot I don't think I like her.

DJB

Getting Hitch-ed, I’m so SAW-ree and sneaking a peek at Che’s “diaries”. The Week-end Review Round-up…

MOVIES:

Hitch

Before the badgering starts, let me explain why I even saw this flick. It’s easy actually…MOVIE PASSES! Movies Passes are like a blessing from the Pope and pretty much allow you to see any movie without feeling the guilt of spending money on it, which brings us to our review of "Hitch".

I’m no Will Smith hater and I actually enjoy some of his movies. I think one of the main reasons I don’t like watching him in movies where he is playing a slick good-looking ladies man for over an hour and a half is Jada Pinkett Smith. Knowing that if this movie is a smash we are going to have to suffer seeing her ugly mug on the television machine getting all sista-girl "Uh-huh, my man know’s how to BRING it!" to everyone who asks her if Will is anything like the character he plays just gets me so mad I want to punch a baby! Uh, back to the review.

The movie starts off with "Hitch" talking to the camera explaining how he helps goofy guys get the girls of their dreams. Talking to the audience is a tricky set up, it either works or it doesn’t (a good example is "Ferris Bueller’s Day Off". That is looking into the camera perfection). In the case of "Hitch" it’s ok, it doesn’t bother you but you also don’t need to see 5 foot tall Will Smith head all up in your grill. They could have panned back a little. The "losers" they show pining after the apples of their eyes are a little hard to believe. Most of the ladies are really good looking and the guys are your stereo-type geeks, but they have hearts of gold and that’s all that matters…right? It’s a basic intro in the character and the plot so it gels.

After all this is established we get the intro in the main lady of the movie, Eva Mendes. To be honest I don’t recall what her name was in the movie? This might say something eh? She waltzes around New York and into her work building with the kind of confidence that lets you know she is an example of today’s woman - confident, successful, smart and all while being able to keep up the sexy factor! YOU GO GIRL! She works for a gossip magazine and is such a work horse that she comes back from vacation EARLY just to get back to what she does best. Her job. I don’t know if I don’t care for her character in the movie or her as an actress. I used the think she was the bee's knees when say her full on buck naked in "Training Day" but most of that was because she knew how to work 80’s muff. After getting a good glimpse of her from media spots and in this movie… I no like her so good! That’s just my opinion though and if you feel different please let me know so I can smash your face in and kick your jaw shut for disagreeing.

So far we learn, Hitch = Loveable guy we all wish we could be like, Eva Mendes = Tough career driven toothy broad who doesn’t have time for love. Hmm, wonder where this plot is going?
Funny thing about this flick is that they cover all bases. Right after you start to wonder how in the hell Hitch lives so lavishly you find out he is a consultant. I guess I can’t get into too many examples of what I’m talking about now that I think of it because it would spoil the movie for you. But know that they do a good job of trying to fill in any holes in the story.

Now we meet Kevin James’s character, Ken. I think it’s Ken? He is a financial advisor for a rich heiress, whom he happens to be in love with too! Ahh, the plot thickens! Now what would a fat schlub like Ken do to ease his aching heart and get him some Heiress lovin? Why gets himself some HITCH! Duh. This another point of the movie where you might think "Man, that hitch will help anyone out won’t he?!" Oh no he don’t! Now we see Hitch meet up with this smarmy guy who claims he needs Hitch’s help scoring a chick he met so he can "bang" her. SAY WHAT!? Hitch don’t roll that way people and he lets the guy know that he helps people get into relationships not easy lays. The hombre gets irritated and tries to get tough with Hitch but he gots another thing coming. Hitch grabs the guys arm and slams him into a table telling him nice guy crap while looking tough the whole time. Kudos’s to you Hitch, always looking out for the ladies!

To be honest, the movie was rather amusing in the beginning and all of the sudden WHAM! It get’s preachy and cheesy. Cheesier than the back of Jerry Hall’s legs! Hitch comes off as an alright guy in the beginning of the flick but by the middle and near the end of the movies you just want to give him a heart felt "OK! I GET IT! SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" Eva Mendes in even more annoying as the movie progresses too. Her tough chick crap gets old and she is such a drama queen you just don’t care about her. On top of all this, she goes and screws Hitch and Ken over in a shitty way by writing some B.S. in her gossip mag. After she is proven wrong and everyone is reserving their rooms in Heartbreak Hotel she tries to get her back some Hitch. But she never writes a retraction or even apologizes to the other people she just F’d over! I swear it made you just want to choke a bitch.

The movie ends on a positive note, not to mention that the end is the funniest part of the whole flick. I won’t say much about it except this. I LOVE A GIRL WHO CAN DO THE ROBOT WITH EASE! Seriously, if any of you ladies out there can pull off a wicked robot I think there is a good chance we might be getting married and screwing like wild monkeys! Well, you’d have to be cute too…sorry. Kevin James is also good stuff. He is the new funny fat guy for 2005 and I’m sure he’ll be making more flicks soon. I say this movie will translate better when it premiers on STARZ or some cable channel like that.

Hitch- ***Stars. One star was for the chick doing the robot. I think I love her.



SAW

What a piece of shit. Really, I’m not even going to beat around the bush on this one. I would have been better off drinking a tall glass of milk and then squatting over my DVD player to drop a load in the disc tray. (I’m lactose intolerant by the way) I’m a HUGE fan of scary movies and psychological thrillers so I was pretty excited to see this movie. What a kick in the gooch it turned out to be. This is one of those movies that is riding it’s success from the last 10 minutes of the movie. People stir in boredom during the first ¾ of the movie and then when the last minutes happen it’s so good that they forgot the majority of the movie sucked. Well friends, I remembered! Even after 10 beers and the last of the medical maryjane I knew it sucked! I was even sober by the end credits.

This movie starts of with some guy waking up in bathroom so gross you’d think he was in an Asian restaurant. He’s pretty beat up looking , barefoot and chained by his ankle to a pipe! This cat is played by Cary Elwes (from Princess Bride fame) and eghads has he aged! I don’t think it’s so much that he’s aged badly as much as it’s the fact that I was a teenager when Princess Bride came out. Well if you do the math that was some time ago and the years were not friendly to Mr. Elwes…and I too am older and jaded. Cary hears someone else in the room and scrambles around finding a light. When the lights come on you see there is another guy across the room who is also chained to a pipe by his ankle. They both look at each other and then freak out because in between the space across the room and them is a body with a pool of blood coming out his head and a gun in his hand. Puzzled and scared they find that each of them has a tape in their pocket with "play me" written on it. This is where the movie lets us know there is a killer involved!

Enter Dannys Glovers and the Asian guy who kidnaped the little girl in "Rush Hour". I don’t know his name, but he’s Asian and has yellow hair in that movie. In this one he has black hair and is Dannys Glovers padna! They are cops who are investigating a lead on a killer…THE SAME KILLER WHO HAS LOCKED UP BOTH OF THE GENTLEMEN IN THE DIRTY RESTAURANT BATHROOM! Sca-wee. It was at this point I decided to fix myself a taco and have another beer.

The movie goes back to the two fellas who’re locked up and they each have a series of flashbacks that tell a little bit about their backgrounds and why they might have been chosen by the killer. They also play the tape where the killer, in his deep killer voice, tells Cary that he has to kill the other guy. The other guy (again, I can’t remember his name) is jipped because his tape just says "don’t get killded!" After a few flashbacks the film makers let you know that Cary is a doctor who’s being watched by the fuzz, the other chained up palooka was a photographer hired to trail Cary. Who hired the photographer? THE KILLER! Again, sca-wee. Dannys Glovers character gets a little background flashback which end up taking you to the current Dannys Glovers. I hate to sound redundant, but I can’t get into too much detail with out boring the fuck out of my computer and anything or anyone else who has to read about this shitty movie.

Now that I read about the movie I realize I hated it. I hate it so much writing about it seems beneath me and I’m just going to stop right here! If you absolutely have to see this movie then do so, but if you find you are as disgusted with this vile piece of shit like I was then just forward to the last few minutes of this movie and that’s all you will really need to see. You shouldn’t even feel like you are in the dark on some parts. Perhaps if they added a cute girl doing the robot I wouldn't give such a scathing revue, but since there wasn’t I would have preferred playing Russian roulette in the Hanoi hotel. It really depresses me to know that movies like SAW are what the American audience is eating up. It’s movies like this that make me glad movies like "The Shining" "Silence of the Lambs" and others of this caliber are available on DVD. I know the last part of this review took a nasty profane turn, but it's only due to the fact that my dog just ate some cd's and a remote control...and I hated the movie.

SAW - *Star. A brown star at that.


The Motorcycle Diaries

Right off the bat you should know this is a foreign film. This means it will have sub-titles so if you don’t like to read or are one of those people who say "It’s too much work reading and watching the movie at the same time" then skip this review all together. It wasn’t meant for you. As for the rest of you, read on! This movie was El Caliente!

Basically this movie is a visual diary of the events that took place on a road trip with a young Ernesto Guevara de la Serna (Che' Guevara if you didn't already know) and his friend Alberto Granado. The only stuff I really knew about Che’ is that he was a leader and that he was briefly mentioned in David Bowie’s "Panic in Detroit". (looks a lot like Che’ Guevara, drove a diesel van) This movie, if it’s as accurate as I like to believe, has given me an appreciation for the little guy. It even makes me ignore the fact that he had such terrible facial hair as he got older. I think this is a movie that will be shown in classrooms for the next few years because it doesn’t really only deal with Che’ but it’s also a chronicle of what times were like in South America way back when.
It starts off with young Ernesto leaving with Alberto on a road trip to - I forget - before Alberto's 30th birthday. Now Ernesto's family isn't poor, even by American standards and Ernesto was on his way to finishing medical school to become a doctor. Alberto is already a doctor, actually a biochemist. Alberto shows up on this nice motorcycle and as Ernesto is saying his goodbye's before the trip his mother makes sure to have Alberto promise to look after his son. Just after this Alberto almost smacks him and Ernesto into the side of a bus. But they are ok and on their way. Right away I found myself forgetting it was a foreign film, which sometimes seem kind of low budget and shotty, and was actually easily sucked into the story. Everything about the movie is clean looking and the actors are all so natural in their roles you feel like your just watching things happen in real time.

Ernesto and Alberto are good friends yet they are VERY different in their views of everyday situations. Ernesto, having grown up in a life of privilege, approaches situations and setting like he is out to absorb what life has to offer. Alberto just wants what ever he can get and doesn't care if he has to con people to get it. This is evident in one scene where our two travelers, while looking for shelter and food, end up at a farm with an older gentleman and his wife. Alberto states that hey are two doctors on their way to (I forget the city. SHIT! It was in South America! How am I supposed to remember the names of towns) and working on a cure for a vile bacteria. The old man seems surprised and in an excited manner asks the two if they are really doctors. They both assure him they are and the Old guy asks them to look at a lump on his neck. Alberto doesn't want to ruin the chance of getting free food and lodging so he give it a quick look over and tells the guy it is only a boil and he shouldn't worry about it. Ernest seems a little more curious about the bump and gives it a more thorough inspection. Finally he tells the old man that it's a tumor and he should get it inspected at a hospital quickly. The old man gets a look of worry and fear in his eyes and Alberto see's this so he quickly blurts out "oh, it's only a cyst. It just filled with fluid, no big deal" while throwing Ernesto a "what the fuck are you doing" glance. Ernest ignores Alberto and insists it's a tumor and should be checked out. Finally the old man, who is a bit startled by Ernesto's diagnosis, tells them they can sleep in the barn and fish in the lake for food before storming into his house. Alberto is pissed and goes off on Ernesto about fucking his shit up. Ernest says he can't lie and the old man needed to know. This is early on is in their adventures and you can already see that Ernesto is getting a taste of what the world is really about.

Their trips take them to many locations where they meet many folks, sometimes out of need, sometimes out of chance and sometimes out of scamming. I wont' give up too many details of these accounts but I will touch on when they end up at a leper colony.
Lepers. Holy shit! What a creepy bunch of people. I think they got real lepers for the movie too! It's bad enough lazy eyes and deformities give me the willies, but even if I had to only "act" with an island full of lepers I don't think I'd ever get out of the fetal positions and stop shaking . This is a good part of the movie because by this time you get that Ernesto is slowly becoming Che' and the he'll be an important figure in his later years. There is also a hint of growing with Alberto from the time he has spent with Ernesto and you get the idea he knows Ernesto is going to be somebody special in the coming years.

One of the best things about the movie is the cinematography. The locations are B-U-tiful and if you don't crave taking a no holds bar road trip then you area a fool, or a cripple, either way there is something wrong with you. At the end of the movie they show black and white still shots of all the people that were encountered during Ernesto's and Alberto's travels and what makes them cool is that although they look like black and white photos, they are actually just the people standing still while being filmed. I know I would be the guy who fucked up the whole shot by rocking back and forth so I give kudos to all those who stood still. What made an impact on me was during the final credits. As the credits roll you see the actual pictures Che' and Alberto took while on the road trip the movie was based on. This made me feel like it wasn't all polished Hollywood bull shit and also made me appreciate the real people involved and referenced in the film. Like I mentioned before, I didn't know much about Che' Guevara, but after seeing this movie I will make it a point to read more about him.

The Motorcycle Diaries - ****Stars. SEE IT! NOW DAMN YOU!

DJB

Night of the Hunter...

Today I heard the sad news that Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide with a self inflicted gunshot wound. Now for those of you who don't know, Mr. Thompson is most famous for his book "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"...you know, the movie with Johnny Depp?! (sadly I know some people went "Oh! THAT guy!" when I threw monsieur Depp's name out there) I always found the cat amusing and I'm probably a couple of generations deep from people who've admired him for years beyond my existence. Perhaps it has more of an impact because the artists I grew up with are slowly dropping dead. From Joe Strummer, Hunter S. Thompson and River Phoenix. The people we spent our adolescence with are leaving us behind to drown in the personas of people like Brittney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, J.Lo, Good Charlotte and any famous guy who's starred in a movie with these folks or who's worn a baseball cap that's 2 sizes too big sideways.

So today this will be my only post and I will have all others available tomorrow. This is in observance of H.S.T.'s death.

To you Mr. Thompson I bid thee farewell. Good night sweet drunk, stoned, crazy prince.

DJB

Crazy little thing called love...

Maybe it's because I'm getting older, maybe it's because I'm not old enough to know better? Whatever the reason I seemed to have fallen in love at first sight. This little lady has made a profound impression on me and I can't wait till we drive down Las Vegas blvd. looking for a chapel to seal our futures then abandon all our family and friends so we can focus on our bliss for each other! As the british would say, "Miss McDonald! Uht luhve ye!"

http://www.livejournal.com/users/miss_mcdonald/



DJB

Doing my part to support the troops...

The following was a letter I wrote to a buddy of mine who was doing his patriotic duty to help keep America from being blowed up! He's a good kid and one of his few requests was to have letters written to him while he was away. Written letters mind you, not e-mails, because I can only assume an e-mail doesn't always feel as personal as a hand written letter. Well, I did the best I could. Stay tuned, because I promised to finish the second half of this tale and seeing as how I'm a man of my word...I'll try my best. Enjoy.

and so it begins:

Hey my little pubic hair covered sugar cube,


So word on the street is you need some written interaction with the outside world eh? I would hand write you a letter, but after a while I get lazy and my writing starts to look like I was writing with my feet while my toes were cramped. If I type out a letter it makes it look like I’m working, which in turn gives me ample time to write out pointless ramblings for your reading pleasure. I will also apologize in advance for any type-o’s, I tend to type quick and only fiarly accurate. To be honest, last time I’ve actually written a letter to someone was when I was in the 5th grade.

We were given an assignment to write a letter telling a little something about ourselves and these letters in turn would be given to students in another school to sort through and reply with. I can loosely recall having some hope that a cute girl who was really into transformers and didn’t have hair on her fingers would snatch up my letter and the rest would be unimaginable bliss. Again, I was in the 5th grade and probably had a better chance of getting diddled by the local ice-cream man who had man boobs. SOOO, after a week or two we get our letters back and to my surprise the lucky chap who picked my letter was also given the cursed moniker of DAMON! I would have been ecstatic at this point if it wasn’t for the little asshole who lived next door to me. His name was Amen Bejhrens (my name is Damon Barron. In case you forgot). He was pretty much the same build except he was white and blond. If this kid was any bigger of an asshole he would have been inside out. Alas his story will be left for another day.

I don’t really remember the cross-town DAMON’s last name but the letter was your basic kid bullshit. “ I really like star wars. Do you like star wars? My favorite movie is Last Starfighter. Have you seen Last Starfighter? I have a BMX. What kind of bike do you have? Do you have a brother or sister? What is your school like? I think it’s cool that we both are named Damon!” I knew this guy was full of shit when he threw in that crap about how cool it was to both be named Damon. I was only in the fifth grade but had enough variations of my name, given by kids and ignorant adults non-the-less, under my belt to despise the name Damon (and the last name Barron too) that I had tried to get my parents to refer to me as D.J. Barron. I thought that was hip and had a classy ring to it when yelled across a mall or field, “HEY DJ! WHAT’S UP!?” “Yo DJ?! You coming over after school?!” This sounded like heaven, until my father felt the need to say it while drawing out the two simple letters, “Oh, that’s what you want us to call you now? No problem DEEEEE JAAAAAY!” “DEEEEE JAAAAY! Want some Mcdonald’s?” LISA! Stop teasing DEEEE JAAAAY!” I’d say the nickname lasted less than a week before I went back to Damon. HA HA DAD! JOKES ON YOU! YOUR GAY NOW AND I’M NOT! Bastard.

We write back and forth for a couple of months and what was casual interest in writing to someone who I’d never met slowly turned into a chore. I hated writing this kid! He never had anything entertaining to say! All this kid did was write something about what he liked and then ask if I liked it too? I remember getting pissed because we HAD to write him a full effing page of kid banter! Finally after his last bit of literary masterpiece I get fed up and blast him into tiny bits with a scathing letter letting him know that he is the most annoying pen pal I’d ever had. Knowing full well he was the only pen pal I’d ever had I wasn’t about to let him know that I lost my pen pal cherry to some cross town tard! I was prepared to make up stories of prison pen pals who send me broken smokes lifted off someone they shived for their scoop of apple sauce in the mess hall. I really let this kid have it. There was no stopping the fury of my thick ass blue lead pencil as the pent up anger and frustration from situations beyond him being my pen pal was channeling through my fingertips into the pencil and onto my brown writing paper. I can remember looking up and seeing other kids smiling and making little doodles with crap like BFF written underneath them as they wrote to their “cool” pen pals. NO, NO! I had to hear about how my pen pal got to finally be B.A. Barracus when the kids on his block played “A-team”. I think I ended the letter with “If you don’t have anything cool to write then I’m going to ask for another pen pal!” I merrily walk my envelope up to my teacher and sat back at my desk with the satisfaction of knowing that I might 1) get a new pen pal or 2) get a fun letter with some sort of treat included in it like that damn Brian who sat across from me got! What was the deal with that!? We all knew he was queer! What the hell could he have been writing to this pen pal of his?!!

A week or so after our letters were sent our teacher announces she has a BIG surprise for us! Beaming, she proceed to tell us how our last letters were sent out and instead of our pen pals replying, we were going to go to their school and meet them in person!!! She even followed it up with a “ISN’T THAT GREAT!?” Some kids squealed with joy while others high fived or pulled their fists into their sides while letting out an excited “YESSS!” What did I do you ask? Well I just winced and grabbed my stomach. What effing luck! I send out a scolding letter and now I have to meet the guy?! What if he was furious and wanted to kick my ass?! What if he didn’t? I still had to spend the whole fricken afternoon with him talking about why he thought go-bot’s were waaay cooler than Transformers! (which they weren’t) I was mortified and already thought of how I was going to have to feign illness and skip out on this dreaded school trip…

TO BE CONTINUED

Well Kevin, I have to get back to work now. I will make sure to finish up the story and perhaps provide some more sunshine on your front porch with another tale from the life of DJB.

Have a great Holiday and be safe! I’ll chat with you later.


Your Friend in Middle Earth,

DJB

The Fresh Prince of Hot Air...

Here is a story that seems to be a favortie amongst some friends and other peeps. Now the guy we are talking about is an ULTRA annoying co-worker, yet I still find myself unable to be mean to him. Maybe this is why I am stressed out all the time...or at least that's what my shrink says. Well, he took over this one broads position here in my office and ever since day 1 he has been a "big baller, shot caller". Only thing is, this guy is so full of crap he looks like a shit sausage!

In the brief tale you'll see the term FGB, this stands for FAT GUY BREATH. This is when robust folk can't even tie their shoes without coming up for air like they were free divers or something. Pardon the type-o's as well, I wrote it up in a rush. Enjoy!

DJB

>>> Damon Barron 01/24/05 01:10PM >>>
Sooo...

The week Kara and Pepper were off kicking up their vacation heels I get stuck in the office by myself. Actually, I wasn't alone. The other "regulars" were: Lynne Dingle Berry, John Guacamole, Stellar Gorilla and Boss Lady Cathi. I felt like I was in an obstacle on Double Dare running through all the padded obstacles only to land face first in the smelly suprise and find out I was a loser! The one thing missing were a fresh pair of REEBOKS! Anyhoochie, on the last day I notice it is quiet, CREEPY quiet and everyone went to lunch except for Sgt. Pepper Belly and myself. Then I had a mental jolt that almost made me leave a silver dollar pee stain on my pantalones. No one is in the office except for John and I. Could there be a chance that I was get hit up for "lunch plans"?! I could already see the shimmy in his chins as he asks me my lunch plans and...AWW SHIT! HE WAS WADDLING OVER!
FGB "What up?" (as his little t-rex arms still bounce slightly from trek over to the other side of the cublicles)
"oh...hey. Not much, just doing some work" (what the hell are those dark splotches on his face all about?! He looks like a bruised Avocado)
FGB "...whatchoo got goin for lunch today?" (insert another FGB and in place fat kid bounce here)
"oh, uh...nothing?"
Now you see here is the dilemma. This isn't the first time Chubbas has invited me to watch him shove food in his gullet, no, he ALWAYS asks me! I just made it a habit to always find something to do. This time wasn't going to be any different...until scruples kicked in. Well, scruples and logic at least. If I accepted his invite than I was good for at least another 2 months before I had to indulge again. I had to bite the bullet and there was no getting around it. ESPECIALLY because we were the only ones in the office. Belive me, I would have rather played strip poker with Stella while jerking my privates with hand full of broken glass, but alas I had to do what I had to do.
"Well, you want to go grab a bite!?" (grab a bite...I hate that expression. More so when bruised faced fat guys throw it around)
"...sure. How about In-n-out? I haven't eaten there in a while" (which was true, but only becuase In-n-out burgers have a knack for almost making shit myself inside out. Mom's had hooked me up with some certificates for the baby Jesus's birfday though so instead of spending my own money on unwanted lunch companions it seemed like an even wash)
"SURE! That's sounds aight! Whenever your ready let's roll!" (brother, you are rolling every time your tits shake as you brush your teeth!)
"...ok...let's go now I guess"

We start our trek to the garage and he offers to drive...HIS MOM'S CAR!!! Really. I suddenly remember that I had gone to lunch with Fat Chance before, and he drove then too! The only reason I uh-member is because he had the gall to throw on some Metallica and start head banging! No shit. He thought we were on our way to our first high school party or something. I'm sure to some bystander looking into the g-ride it looked like an air bag with an old bruised pumpkin shaking on top of it. Oh no, that's just the sight of a true ROCKER! Anywayoffthesubject, we get into mom's taxi and head toward In-n-out. Somehow or another the story gets to what plans we have set for new years. I pretty much tell him that I don't have any major plans, I also realize it isn't about what I had planned either. The question was really just an intro to tell me about what action packed plans he had with his posse. Sure enough he starts to tell me about his plans. It pretty much involves going to hang out in Old Town Pasadena and not having any reservations anywhere in particular so more than likely ending up at some bar where texicans and people kicked out of shelters drown their sorrows. WITH A FAT GUY no less! It's always worse when you end up somewhere crappy and have a hyper fat guy as your sidekick. "Hey! If your plans fall through, you should roll out with us!?"
"Naw, If my plans don't work out I'm going to cover my neck with lunch meat, lie on my back and let the dogs gnaw away. Hopefully they get my juggular before I run out of meat!" Just kidding, I didn't tell him that.
"I'll probably just stay home. Thanks for the invite though"
(Insert awkward silence and me looking out the window like everything is OH so interesting here)
"Soo...you gonna meet up with any ladies there?" I ask.
"(FGB) I got this lady friend that I'm seeing coming along"
"REALLY?!" Now I hadn't intended my reply to sound like I just found out I won the lottery, but I was caught off guard.
"Yeah, were going to get a room down there so I can get as messed up as I want and then let the girlie take care of me after we get our party on!"
"Really?! Is uh...your girl cute?" Really now, how can you not assume the girl is going to be some weird proportioned cha-cha girl with bad dyed hair (maybe a sideways ponytail) and a face that looks like a bee stung it after waking up from sleeping face down in a bucket of pine cones.
"YEAH! She's VERY cute, she just has a lot of baggage..."
"oh..." Yeah, I'm pretty sure she's not cute
"We just hook up once in a while and she doesn't expect anything and I don't either so it's perfect. If she didn't have so much baggage maybe I'd consider more, but she's all messed up"
Hmm, "cute" girl who hangs out with robust hombre and his pals on new years, throws him a little boot knockin because she is horny AND just ignores the fact that he lives with his moms. Yeah, she might have problems. Plus, you know she isn't cute.

It's about now that I can't help getting the visual of a huge bruised face fat guy who probably has so many stretch marks around his belly and armpits that it looks like a bobcat attacked him while he was naked laying on some poor girl while filling her ear with erotic FGB's. And I'm supposed to go eat a burger after this little exchange?! Shit.

We finally get to in-n-out and I'm pleased to see there are many hot young girls getting themselves an ass bomb burger. "heeeey..." AWW JESUS AND BABY JESUS! John see's them too. Now after being put on the verge of nausea by hearing him talking about his lady friend I have to be subjected to his flirting! You know how in movies where they have pedophiles and they are about to take their young victims it makes you cringe? You sit and watch KNOWING the guy is creepy and the kids should just stay away but there is nothing you can do? Well, this is what watching Big Pimpin flirt with girls is like. Naturally being the co-pilot puts me in the position where I have to just shrug my shoulders and give a crooked grin when the poor girl throws me a "who the fuck is this fat bastard talking too! OH MY GOD! It's me!" look.

As we mozy on toward the door two skanky looking broads are approaching the entrance at the same time as us. Big Boy charges right up and opens the door. I just stride right in and leave the girls and Cassanova behind. The girls are on their way into line when FGB's make their way out of John's mouth as he tells them "Sorry ladies, I'll hold the door open for you, but your still gonna have to wait behind us in line!" He proceeds to shimmy his tits with his own laughter not realizing he's the only one laughing. I just turn quickly and act like i've never seen the menu before and don't know what to get. Finally we get to the register and as I open my mouth to give my order Grimace decided to speak first. "Hey Cassy, how your day going today?"
She looks to me, I give a baffled look and she replies, "ok, thanks"
"Just ok?!"
"...um, yeah"
"Well, I hope your day gets better Cassy. I'll have a number one!.." I quickly blurt out so we can cut out the cutesy fat guy shit. She seems relieved and I walk away to let John order.

As our number gets called Chubasaurus Wreck looks out for a couple of seats. It's pretty packed and people are holding seats for whomever they're there with so the pickins is slim. Finally two counter seats open up and we grab them. Chinnigans looks over to a booth and starts making some weird gestures with his hands to someone. I look past the planter and notice he's doing it to some asian lady sitting by herself obviously waiting for someone. "What the hell are you doing?!"
"Oh, I was just messing with her asking if she wanted to switch with us"
"..." I just shake my head and hand him his feast.

For having such little arms thrown on his sides it's almost disturbing to watch them hold food up to his mouth. The average person can carry the food up to their mouth and take a bite, but if you have a body the size of the epcot center and arms the size of to small loaves of bread you have to do things a little different. I noticed his head and his arms have a "meet me half-way" deal going on. El Gigante would move his head toward his armpit and then move his hand towards his armpit and POW! large ravenous bites would ensue. It was also amusing how he would tear up his food when it was near his mouth but when it was on the tray he touch it like it was a delicate fabrage' egg, giving the impression he was a delicate eater. Uh, no. He even pulled that lick his finger crap after a few bites too! Gross.

The real kicker was after lunch and the trek back to the office he gives me a high five (well, a low five really...I detest high fives and refused to raise my hands) while he headed for the crapper. I'll leave those visuals to your imagination. (FGB's and all)

THE MAN HIMSELF

the resemblence is uncanny ain't it?

DJB

Shrinky Dinks...

Yesterday I had the distinct pleasure of meeting with my shrink to discuss what's new and happenin with me. I had the day off of work yesterday (I decided i needed an extra day of vacation and called in) and didn't do much except stay home and relax. I hadn't eaten all day and was getting pretty hungry. My appointment wasn't until 5:45pm and it was only 3:45pm so I didn't know if I could hold off until then. My plan was to go to my appointment and then get some grub on my way back. Why I plan these things out like this I don't know. Around 4pm I crack and call my shrink to see if I can go earlier. The receptionist there is a little cutie pie and for some reason she loves chatting on the phone with me and equally enjoys my visits to the office. She tells me to come on in and that she would put my file ahead of everyone else's. Normally I would feel like I was getting some sort of hook-up, but considering this is where I go to get meds for anxiety it's not something I'll be bragging about to strangers.

The reason I go at such a late time is mainly because I go right after work. After dealing with traffic I make it to his office around 5:30-6pm and I'm usually the last appointment. Of the day. This was the first time I had gone in earlier. What a treat it turned out to be! Like I said earlier, I had the day off so I was looking pretty schlubby. I had been on vacation and when I'm on vacation I don't usually shave and have been known to cruise around with bed head. I still shower and wear clean clothes, but still look like a degenerate regardless. I had my usual uniform of a t-shirt, shorts, sneakers and a hooded sweatshirt on yet I made it look good! Aww yeah. I walk into the office like I'm a regular at a local bar and say my hellos to my little dream machine behind the counter. I take a seat and notice the other "patients". I knew I was in Orange and at my doctors office, but if I hadn't known that I would have sworn I was in the green room of the Maury Povich show. The show where troubled kids get sent to boot camp.

The first person I see is this teenage girl who was dressed like she just got out of some hip-hop street fight to get to her doctor's Appointment. She had a bunch of black shit around her eyes, a greasy bun shoved into a dirty scrunchie, a sweatshirt that was 4 sizes too big for her and was hanging off her shoulders, a tank top that left her belly exposed, baggy dirty white pants and big gangsta kicks that appeared to be made of marshmallow. She was all pissy looking and biting her nails while trying to sit in the fetal position in her chair. Her moms was by her side and was your typical "waspy" type lady. Conservative short hair style, big round plastic framed glasses and plain colored leggings and t-shirt combo. I could already see the chemistry these two had together. If you closed your eyes you could just hear the young princess filling her mom's ear with endearing terms like "FUCK YOU! IF YOU WANT TO SEE A SHRINK THEN YOU GO!" "GOD! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH? WE WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING! HE WAS JUST SITTING ON MY BED! I HATE YOU!" and the mom would reply with "Say what you want, but we're still going to see the doctor tomorrow" or "I know you do, but you'll thank me later". The evening would wind down with angry girl doing some baby talk and snuggling up with Mom's on the couch as they both watch "American Idol".

I'm only looking at the girl for a second when I turn my gaze to the mother who saw me glancing at her precious and gives me this look like I was violating her daughter with my eyes. Really, she just looks absolutely disgusted with me. To be honest It caught me a little off guard and I almost chuckled because if she only knew what I was thinking she'd know she was way off the mark. The doctor calls them in and the girl gets up like she is being moved by puppet strings and amazingly zombie walks all the way to the office with her eyes rolled up. The mom follows right behind.

Once they leave I realize there is another cat sitting across the waiting room.

This guy looked like he was in his late 20's but he was fidgity like a young kid. He kept rubbing his hands together like he desperately needed to touch something and tapping his feet at the same time. He was dressed pretty basic - khaki pants, oversized t-shirt and clunky tennis (like the ones you can get at Mervyn's or something). At one point he looks over to a small table and picks up one of the many brochures they have on different types of psych. drugs. He mumbles out loud, "Free Samples...hmm mmmph...ask your doctorrrr..." then gives a look on his face like he's satisfied and puts the brochure back. Shortly after this the Mother and Child reunion come out of their brief meeting with the shrink and Angry Hip-hop stomps out of the office while her mom just smiles at the receptionist and pays her co-pay. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for her visit I think to myself. The doctor then calls in the fidgity guy. Again I wish I could have been a fly on the wall.

As the guy is walking to the office he reaches up and taps his fingers on the doorway he is walking through. As soon as he gets out sight...he runs back in and taps the top of the doorway another 3 times?! I guess you can add OCD to whatever he was there for too. This made me smile for some reason and I felt like I had missed out on all the other times I had appointments and never got witness the madness that goes on there. No sooner do I finish this bit of pondering when all of the sudden another person walks in. This time it's this skinny lady with curly hair past her shoulders and wearing jeans and long sleeve sweater type shirt. At first she seems perfectly normal but then she speaks. Her movements were a little robotic, but I figured she could have been in an accident or something so I shouldn't really pay attention to that. The receptionist greets her and when she replies she talks in a slow manner and makes quick eye contact and then quickly turns her gaze elsewhere while still talking. She was probably one of those really shy girls who gets nervous at first then violent and starts crying about weird shit like being out of snack packs or something. This one makes me feel bad though because she doesn't seem angry nor does she seem all hyper like the guy who just took off with the doctor. She just had problems. She was talking about release forms or something when Nutty McCuckoo comes out of the doctors office with the energy of a kid who just got to the McDonald Land Playground.

As the girl follows the doctor to his office Tom Arnold lite is making his next appointment. Some of the highlights of his talking to receptionist were: when she asks what day he would like to come in he replies with "well, um, I can only come in on Monday or Thursday...WAIT, I can come in on Tuesdays too. Mondays, Tuesday, Wednesdays and Thursday are ok days. I can come in those days"
I was honestly sitting in anticipation to see if that darn "Friday" was going to get a shout out too. Alas, it didn't.
The other gold nugget was when he realized he didn't get a certain prescription refill. He was explaining to the receptionist that the doctor must have forgot and if the doctor was going to be in with his patient a while because he wanted to ask him some questions. The receptionist tries to explain to him that he had 2 refills and still had one refill left so he didn't need another refill. He wasn't having it though. He then starts to explain to her where maybe the situation got mixed up, "uh...I don't think so. Remember last time I was in and the doctor touched my shoulder and said "you have refills for this medication" and I remember I wasn't sure I understood him. Now that think of it maybe he told me something else. Maybe if I talk to him he can remember. But I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to have another refill?" At this point I notice that the receptionist (who's top of her head and eyes are all I can see from where she was sitting) darts a look my way that clearly says "will someone shut this fucking guy up" and I hide a snicker into my fist. The she drops a bomb. "I don't know what the doctor said last time, but I do remember he told you that he wasn't going to keep refilling your prescription because you weren't following the dosage rules and taking more than two at a time!"
"Huh...maybe. I think I'll wait to talk to the doctor anyway. Ralphs might not have my pills in stock and if he gives me my prescription I need to let them know to get it..."
The receptionist just smiles and tells him ok. At this point I realized that getting my folder bumped up in front of everyone didn't seem to be happening, but I didn't really care because I was well entertained. Robo-chick and the doctor come out and Nutrageous jumps to his feet and is all over the doctor with his gibberish and questions. Dr. Streetfighter slaps him down pretty quick and send him on his way. I wasn't sure the guy was going to leave because when he got to the door he stopped, turned back toward the doctor but then shook his head and walked out.

"DAMON?" I finally hear the doctor call out, even though I'm the only one left in the lounge. I'm still smiling and walk with the doctor to his office. He asks how I'm doing. "Oh I'm alright. Boy, I never really waited in the office while you had some many patients waiting before. You get some crazy folks running around here don't you?!"
"Oh...sometimes yes" as he gives a little laugh.
"soo Damon, what have you been up to..."
As I start to ramble on and keep him up to date on what I've been doing reality hits me like a blacksmith strikes an anvil. He does see some kooky people indeed.

DJB

AVP, easy as 1-2-3, A touch of Gray and weekend with Buds. A weekend review round-up...

MOVIES:

AVP (alien vs. predator)

Wow. What a gem. Now I knew when I was checking the box to have this movie sent to me that I wasn’t requesting an epic film or anything, but damn! After watching this movie I felt like Christopher Reeves must have felt when he woke up from falling off that horse. How do you fuck up an Alien vs. Predator movie? Even the Predator with Dannys Glovers is good shit! I mean, the creatures basically sell themselves right? You’d think they could just have an hour and a half with just a woman sitting on the shitter screaming as aliens and predators run around her fighting and it’d be entertaining at least. But oh no.

The movies starts off with some guy running away from “something” and from the setting you know its taking place in the past. Then they show the year “1904” and you don’t feel so smug anymore. After that you switch BAM right into a sequence with some black chick (who isn’t too shabby) climbing some glacier and she gets a phone call. She talks on the phone while climbing some huge ice wall using a pickaxe looking thing. From the looks of it, it looks like hard work… if you’re some pussy ass glacier climber! This chick on the other hand was TOUGH! Talking on a cell phone while climbing a glacier while swinging a pick is just how this bitch rolls! Turns out the guy on the phone is on the top of the glacier and they meet up and get in a sleek looking chopper. You KNOW it’s important business when they pick you up as-is and throw you in a whirlybird, right?

They show some other guys get recruited, but it’s just like watching the beginning of the first Jurassic Park so picture those scenarios instead. That’s a far better pic. After a while they are all gathered at this “location” that looks like its some industrial joint. They introduce some other toughies and scientists to the viewers, giving a little bit of individual personality along the way. One of the people is Ewyen Bremmer, who played Spud in “Trainspotting”. This guy was cool in that movie because he played some junkie who was a bit slow, but had a heart of gold. He looked every bit the part too. Well, this movie has Aliens and Predators…no heroin. Not that he isn’t a prime actor or anything, but he was all twitchy and shit in this movie so he might as well have been Spud the junkie. Turns out Spud is a Biochemist or some important shit like that. The others are spiky haired tough chicks, a couple of archeologist guys, and some other tough guys with bad haircuts and scars on their faces. ERRR! TOUGH! Then they’re told why they were all gathered up by…BISHOP! The android from ALIENS! See the connection now? It’s not actually Bishop though, it’s Charles Bishop Weyland. He’s a big time investor and business owner. In the other movies the scientists and companies are all WEYLAND employees or products. ANOTHER CONNECTON! This movie was on a roll. Bishop is just a model of this guy…his father if you will. SOOO, he tells them one of his satellites picked up an image of a pyramid in the middle of the North Pole, or somewhere icy…I forget. So all the people there have their purpose, even the cell phone dialing mountain climber.

A bunch of pointless drama goes on for a bit here and then they all head down to the location of the pyramid. There is obvious build up and finally we see the Predators then after a few climactic running around we see the Aliens. This is pretty much the rest movie EXCEPT for one thing. After a good bit of running around some killings later we are left with the hero of the movie taking charge! Yes that’s right, Cell Phone Glacier girl is the BIG CHEESE in this movie. She is going to be the main surviving hero and the build up is TERRIBLE! Like I said before, there is a bunch of killing and running around so it’s down to the final two human survivors. One of the archeologists and Sista Cell Phone are the only two left. Sista girl tells the main dude that the only way to get out of the situation is to team up with the Predators and give them some guns they found earlier. Sure enough a Predator runs in and when he’s about to snuff the two dem Sista girl yells to him and tells him “HEY! Here’s your gun, now let’s be bestest friends!” After the Predator, who is also a horrible actor, sees her make an ass of herself he decides to take her on as a partner. Now the other guy who was with the girl has been abducted by an alien and we don’t know if he’s alive or not. Back to Sista Girl and Predator (whom I think is a brutha underneath all that Predator gear) who now see eye to eye and The Prizzedator makes his new buddy some weapons. Really, the Predator grabs a dead Alien and rips the head off like a crawdad. Then he takes the Aliens tail and cuts off the spike at the end of the tail to make his new ebony warrior a SPEAR! Are you kidding me!? These Predators have all sorts of lances, guns, knives and throwing discs that cut through cement like butter and the best he can do for his new buddy is make her a racist spear and shield thingy from the alien skull! She looks like one of the kids in Fat Albert getting ready to play hockey in the junkyard. During their pairing up you get to see such profound communication between the superiorly advanced Predator and his Sista Warrior Girl. During one rousing scene he lets her know he has a bomb by holding his fist up to her face…THEN OPENING IT UP! She nods in agreement and now they are connected beyond words. Only warriors know such precise hand movements mean “this is an atom bomb, after this we gots to run like the wind ok?” They run, they escape, they have one last battle and finally the Predators come in a big ass ship to take the last Predator home and reward the Sista Girl (who’s hair has really taken a toll during this adventure and now makes her look like Chaka Khan) with an authentic “I killed a bunch of Aliens and learned to fight like a Predator and all I got was this lousy spear” Predator spear. THE END

What a shame. On a scale of 1* being the worst and 5 *’s being the best I give AVP:
** Stars.




BOOKS:

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
(a leather bound edition too! Ain’t I just oozing with class)

I actually only picked this book up because of my recent affliction of insomnia. I had always wanted to read it because the premise of the story seemed very interesting, but it was still an Oscar Wilde book, so it would have its slow points. I tried an Oscar Wilde book before and think the only reason I did it then was because Morrissey mentioned him a few times. Does that last statement shake a proud hetero pride fist in the air, probably not after re-reading it. Whatever, I still decided to expand my reading horizons.

The story starts out with the banter between an extinguished gentleman and an artist. Right away you could tell the homoerotic overtones between these two men. They talk about this Dorian Gray guy and how when the artist met him he couldn’t get him out of his mind and Dorian was now his muse. He would paint Dorian and only Dorian. He even had Dorian come into his studio, and from the way they talk it happens an awful lot. In my day this would be stalker material, but back in those times I guess it was just friendly admiration. Sure, ok, but what about the guy dropping a load every time he looks at you?! Now that my dear readers is where the flattery ends and the creepiness begins. Not once while he is cooing over Dorian and what he means to him does his buddy butt in with, “WHOA! It sounds to me like your queer for him! What’s up with that? Are you trying to tell me something?!” Instead his buddy, Lord Henry, seems to be falling in love himself – but in a more butch way. A few LOOONG pages of this exchange between the two men I take a break to wipe the blood out of my butthole, then get back to the story…enter Dorian Gray. Now Oscar tries to describe him as this breathtaking Adonis, but the only thing he ends up doing is describing those annoying ultra fem guys who are cherubic in appearance and bitchy in persona. This doesn’t apply to gays or straights either, it’s just a description of a down right no holds bar bitch. The kid is described as having a flawless face, head of curly gold hair and being 18. Now do you understand the “bitch” assumption?

Dorian comes over for his sitting appointment at the Artists (Basil) studio and chats it up with Lord Henry. LH decided he adores Dorian and they must become best friends forever. If I just had to sit in the studio and listen to these three converse with each other I would have longed for the earache situation I just dealt with. If anything I would work on the right ear so I can be 90 % deaf in BOTH ears! Basil tells Dorian he has finally finished the portrait he’s been working on, and he’s spent. He couldn’t paint a bit more and starts to explain how he would rub one out when Dorian wasn’t looking and using his semen as paint so he and Dorian could always be together. Not really, but he might as well have the way he was going on and on. When Dorian finally gets to lay his peepers on the picture he is speechless. How beautiful he looked, he almost made himself cry he was so beautiful (or so he tells himself). At this point Dorian loudly claims he would give his soul to let the picture get old and let him stay young. The way he says it though it just sounds like a fruity kid being loud and talking nonsense. There area few boring chapters after this. Chapters filled with more people admiring how pretty Dorian is and inviting him to dinners and parties. I started to realize that no one ever ate at home? I also thought about how they probably ate roasts and potato’s with good wine and rolls on the table. The kind of meal where there was always a slab of meat and some veggies. It made me hungry, that I know. Anyway, they all seem to go out to dinner and most of them have large amounts of money.

Dorian goes to a theater one night and falls madly in love with some actress he sees performing “Romeo & Juliet”. THIS IS THE ONLY TIME YOU READ ABOUT A GIRL AND A BOY LIKING EACH OTHER IN THE WHOLE BOOK! Really. And when a girl of interest finally comes up, she’s from the slums and working in some run down shitty theatre. She’s poor and lives with her mom, who is also an actress, and they work for some greasy Jew who runs the shitty theatre. That isn’t a racial slight on my part either, they really say the guy is a Jew and greasy? It seems that in the olden days it was the norm to talk about Jews like nobody’s business. I don’t get it.

More chapters on Dorian loving himself and men calling each other names like “delicious” follow for a bit after the first run in. Dorian tells his peeps that he is in love with some actress and he is going to marry her! They seem troubled by it but agree to meet the girl after catching one of her shows. On the other end the girl is telling her moms about how she met “Prince Charming” and is smitten with him…and they are going to be MARRIED! Oscar makes a point to breeze over the age of this young hussy; we find out on the sly that she is the ancient age of 16. She seems juvenile when talking to her mother and brother about a man she is going to marry who she will only refer to by the name “Prince Charming”, but she is only 16 and it makes sense. Dorian on the other hand is even girlier when talking about his lady and he’s supposed to be the guy in relationship, not to mention the book! After all this fawning over each other to their peers and family we go to the big show where Dorian’s comrades will finally get to see the special lady who has won over Dorian’s heart.

At the crumby theatre the greasy Jew is more than excited to see Dorian with his entourage and gives him the royal treatment. Fact is, Dorian has been obsessively catching every show this girl has been in DAILY! More than one show a day. The grizzy Jew thinks Dorian is some big shot and also knows that he has a sweet tooth for his little actress, Sybil. The curtain rises and Sybil gives a performance equal to a diaper full of ass-plosion. Basil and Lord Henry are aghast at the wretched performance and break the news to Dorian. Being the fine example of masculinity that he is, Dorian takes the new rather hard and proceeds to cry to himself aloud and curses the girl. His pals leave and Dorian goes to learn the young girl an important lesson about embarrassing him. He verbally brutalizes the silly young girl, who explains she deliberately gave a shite performance for love, and tells her he wants no part of her and she is a huge mistake. She crumbles, as young girls often do, and he leaves her in disgust.

Dorian goes home and is damn proud of himself for crushing his little piece of ass. He catches a gander of the portrait of him and notices a difference. The lines around his mouth seemed to have changed, but only slightly. They were now giving the illusion of a slight sinister smirk. Evil if you will. He spends a few pages in denial that portrait has changed and more pages are filled with such mind numbing boredom I don’t even recall what I was reading.

Finally it gets back to the juicy part of the story and you find out the next morning that Sybil had killed herself in the theatre and some said it might have been an accident…but Dorian and his peeps know it was that awful curly haired Dorian’s words that sealed her doom. Dorian doesn’t seem to mind and goes about his business. If you haven’t picked up on it yet, Dorian is turning into a real asshole and every time he is a dick to someone or does something shitty his portrait takes the toll and Dorian stays absolutely fabulous! Again the story starts to wonder off in things I could care less about or even understand and somewhere in between years pass and Dorian is getting a reputation for being a creepy guy who frequents dive bars and wears disguises. I only remember this part because I wondered if Michael Jackson has a portrait of himself that is even worse looking that he is. It was very reminiscent of the king of pop in these parts.

The picture gets so vile that Dorian puts it in a private room that only he has the key too. The days go by and Basil stops by to tell Dorian he had a boner for him since day one and he doesn’t like hearing bad things about Dorian in the social circles. Dorian cracks, takes Basil to the secret room and kills him. Yes, kills him! I’m pretty sick of this book by this point but read a few more chapters because I have nothing better to do at 3am. Dorian blackmails a former buddy into disposing of the body and…I GET SOME MEDICAL MARY JANE SO I DON’T HAVE TO FINISH THE BOOK! This is a dandy lead into my final review.

The Picture of Dorian Gray - ** stars. And that’s one extra star for Morrissey.


DRUGS:

Medical Marijuana

Now this is the stuff that is supposed to be the cat’s meow! I’m not really a pothead and I haven’t purchased any greens in…well a month, but it had been almost years before that. I usually take hits off my cousin’s stuff or get a few nuggets thrown my way from friends. If and when I do indulge by my lonesome, it’s usually to get some much-needed sleep. A friend of mine had come into some medical Maryjane from a friend of theirs but had no use for it since pot isn’t their thing. DAMON! Let’s give it to Damon! Yay for me I say, yay for me. I get the offer to get free weed and MEDICAL WEED at that so I snatch it up. I hadn’t slept well in over a week and I was crippled with some freakish ear infection so why not give it a shot. Right off the bat my friend is apologizing for the weak amount of MM they have but I tell them not to sweat it, free is free. This guy really was in the dark about pot and what was considered “a little”. I get the goods and there is EASILY a dime bags worth. Now back in the day I could snap my fingers and roll a joint. I knew all there was to know about Maryjane and had smoked almost every kind of dope you could get in the U-S-of –A. This stuff my friends, this stuff was clean. It was the brightest of green with wondrous amounts of red hairs sprinkled here and there. To top it all off each cluster was covered with crystals and it smelled heavenly. I couldn’t wait to get home.

In almost a ritualistic way I set up my smoking utensils and settle in for the night. Vacation was finally starting and I was ready for it. I was so stoked to be taking something that would help me sleep I almost forgot about the pain on the left side of my head. I clean out my bong and put some nice cool water in the bowl and test the level with a little practice hit on an empty bowl. Perfect. I clean the bowl with a poker and look through to stem and see the light coming in through the hole. Perfect. I refill my Zippo lighter that has a built in pipe attachment and give it a few test lightings. Perfect. Now for the moment of truth. I reach my nimble fingers into the canister and pick out the first nugget. Ever so gently I break off the first little cluster and set it into the bowl. It’s almost like surgery the way I’m being so meticulous with the whole process. I turn the bowl just the right way so that the flame from my lighter will light the top of the whole nugget and not just the sides. I put the top of the bong to my mouth and it feels cool from the ice-cold water I filled it with. Putting the lighter to the bowl I take a huge drag. The air feels cool, but dirty at the same time as it goes into my lungs. When I feel like I don’t have any more breath I pull away from the stem of the bong. I take one final “clean up” hit and hold the smoke for a while. POOF! I blow the smoke out and while doing so I realize how smooth the smoke and taste are. I wasn’t sure just how big a hit I took so I continue to blow smoke out until my lips look like a snooty French waiters. Instantly I feel the head change and the sensation of relaxation works it’s way throughout my body. HOT DAMN! This was some smooth smoking! And tasty too!

I don’t remember much after that except that I finally passed out and got TONS of sleep and woke up at odd times only to drink some water, smoke another bowl and go back to sleep. It felt great and I wasn't all sluggish when I woke up. The only downside to the whole thing was I didn’t eat more than once a day, but on the first day I ate after smoking this heavenly bud I ended up consuming 8 chilidogs. Shit, I had a craving! What would you do if you were in that situation?! Don’t judge.

Medical Marijuana - ****Stars. It would be 5, but seriously, I could have gone to jail getting this stuff.

DJB