It says "EPISODE III" but it looks like #2! The long awaited STAR WARS Episode III review...

So after reading my intro into my review of Episode III I think it's fair to say I didn't really see this movie feeling the tingle in the pee pee excitement I should have. It wasn't my fault? I tried, but powers beyond my control were against me... AnyDooku, Here we go. AND THERE WILL BE SPOILERS THROUGH OUT THE REVIEW, so don't gripe to me later, you've been warned.

EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH:

I think once this movie is release on DVD and I can sit down with a tall cool one while I watch it will I see the magic everyone else saw, but only then. I thought this movie was a huge let down! Don't get me wrong, it had it's moments.

It pretty much starts off with its guns blaring, literally! There is a HUGE space battle and ships are flying to and fro blowing shit up. It is visually breathtaking to see just how detailed everything is! What's even more amazing is how far we've come in technology that when you see something like this you almost forget there really is nothing there, it's all made up!

Enter our heros, Obi-wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker. As soon as they show up on screen you can feel the hairs on your arms stand up. It really helps if you've seen the Clone Wars cartoons prior to seeing this movie because it kind of explains what's going on. Basically, Senator Palpatine (the Emperor! Yeah, like you didn't figure that out already) has been kidnapped by General Greivous and the two jedi are out to rescue him. In the cartoons General Greivous is a bad ass robot/part alien that can jump around and fight with up to 4 lightsabers at a time. When you see him on screen you almost instantly go limp though. He still looks like a bad ass, but he moves cheesy and every now and again he gets this smoker cough? They never really explain the cough either? It's like listening to an old smoker try and be a though ass when he starts barking out his lines and after a while you want to clear your throat and have him shut up!

Obi-wan and Luke find the Emperor in a throne room type setting and he's bound to a chair. The chair kind of looks like the one he sat in in Return of the Jedi and I think your to assume that he isn't really a hostage at all. Enter Count Dooku. This is the old guy that beat the shit out of Obi-wan and chopped off Anakin's arm in Episode II. He was cooler than sliding down a glacier naked in that movie, but in this one he goes out like a bitch. This is the first of many times in the movie where your get all fidgity with excitement because you know shit is going to go down and you can't wait to see the action. With sweaty palms I sit up in my chair and earnestly watch the screen. This was the revenge meeting for Obi-wan and Anakin and they were going to fuck some shit up...jedi style! Obi-wan and Anakin turn on their sabers, exchange and few words and charge! Then Obi-wan is instantly thrown to the side and knocked out?! WHA? Anakin talks some shit then after a couple unimpressive moves cuts off Dooku's hands and kills him?! In a matter of minutes it was all over! I couldn't believe it? My friend Nicole looks at me with a look that tells me I wasn't the only one who thought the fight was bunk!

The Emperor is the one who talks Anakin into killing Dooku and you know he's just trying to get into Anakin's head. Anakin gives in and cuts Dooku's noggin off. He seems troubled and even though he's a bit whiney you don't hate him as much as you do in Attack of the Clones. Actually, I kind of liked him. Obi-wan is still knocked out and much to the Emperor's disapproval Anakin scoops him up and they head and escape.

There is more action that goes on, but it's nothing really compelling so I won't go into detail about it. All you need to know is that after Anakin gets the Emperor back to safety you find out the jedi council, mainly Mace Windu (Sam Jackson) and Yoda, don't trust the Emperor and have been investigating him. They tell Anakin to keep an eye on him, and this doesn't make Anakin very happy. He thinks Palpatine is his friend and mentor so he's conflicted. Turns out the jedi council has their reservations bout Anakin too and pretty much tell him "do this and you'll be in our cool book." Anakin agrees. Obi-wan on the other hand is given the task of finding Joe Camel, a.k.a. General Greivous.

The movie starts to play more with the dialogue at this point and you can almost feel the embarrassment the actors felt barking out these scripted atrocities! The best example is when Anakin is lovingly staring at Padme' and casually tells her "You look so beautiful."
Natalie Portman is working this gnarly Chaka Khan hairdo and dragging a brush through while she dreamily replies "that's because I'm so in love!"
"NO! NO, I'M so in love!," Anakin replies
Maybe it was the vicadin on an empty stomach I took, but I winced at this bad scene and looked around to see if anyone was handing you "yeah, I know" head nods. Nothing.

Now, to be fair again, the whole movie's scenes aren't this bad! But the bad ones are so bad it takes a while to shake them off and focus on the movie and say to yourself "Hey, it isn't like this stuff can really happen? Why am I being so judgmental?" and actually believe the bullshit your feeding yourself so you don't feel cheated FOR THE THIRD FUCKING TIME!

I don't' want to get into the WHOLE plot and break down of scenes because 1) it'll take too long 2) some people STILL haven't seen it? Yeah I don't' get that either? I will however tell about the most notorious part of the movie. A part that should get George Lucas shanked like a jailhouse bitch by the hard core fans. That's right, the part with DARTH VADER!

Now we all grew up knowing about Darth Vader along with his infamous breathing and voice, provided by James Earl Jones. He was such a tough ass in all the movies (even JEDI) and his image just said "Baddest Motherfucker in the Galaxy." Ok, well Lucas must have said "FUCK ALL THAT NOISE! Let's try and make everyone forget about that and turn him into a laughing stock!" And that's just what he did...

Enter Anakin "Extra Crispy" Skywalker, laying down, being put back together with robotic parts by robots while strapped to a gurney. You start to see the legs getting attached, then the arms. As the scene progresses he's finally in "the suit", except for the helmet and you see the face mask get set on (and even finally get to see what Darth sees when he looks out the mask), then the dome starts to come down. As the tension builds during this part you watch in silence as the dome lower and clicks into place. Instantly you hear the very first Darth Vader breath and it gives you the chills! The gurney turns upright and Vader still has his hands clamped down. The Emperor is standing next to him in his best Mr. Burns from the Simpsons posture and tells him "RISE LORD VADER!" Darth Vader is upright and asks "Where is Padme'?"
"You...you killed her in your anger..."
Vader lets it sit for a sec then gets all "Carrie" by throwing shit around and crumpling metal with his Dark Side skills. The it happens. He rips his arms free and tilts his head back to yell "NOOOOOOOO!" I swear he looked like that fucking Enrique Iglesias singing "Hero." Nicole and I just look at each other in shock (again) and just start busting out in laughter! It was DUMB! The scene was a bit Frankenstein-ish, but it was working. Even if they just left it with him breaking shit it would have been fine, but there was no need to puss him out like that. Luckily the VERY end of the movie stirred a little emotion in me so that I mentally blocked it until the car ride back to my apartment...

So did I like the flick? Yes, overall it was good, but not anything like the Lord of the Rings trilogy. If those movies were so good, all three too mind you, then how did this new trilogy of a perfect recipe get so fucked up?! I don't understand. This is the strongest of the three movies and I do say without regret that Ewen McGregor is the SHIT as Obi-wan Kenobi...in ALL movies! The fight scenes, with the exception of General Grievous, are very well done and the speed these kids twirl around lightsabers is beyond impressive. The effects are the best out of all SIX movies and very very detailed (keep an eye out for the flying pilot in the opening battle). These were all commendable feats, but the movie just lacked magic. Maybe it's shotty dialogue or the fact that I almost beat the shit out of two movie managers before the movie? I don't know, BUT if you were to ask me if I'd go see it in the movie theaters again I'd have to quote Darth Vader and tell you "NOOOOOOOO!"

STAR WAR: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith - ***stars, and that's pretty generous!

DJB

UPDATE! 6/17/05

It's a good thing I posted this late! Last night I sat down in my apartment, and in a relaxed atmosphere watched Episode III. How I got to watch a mint copy in the comfort of my own home is none of your effing business!

Although I didn't think it was as terrible as I originally thought, it still wasn't enough to change my review entirely. I will say that the Vader yelling "NOOOOOOOO!" scene still sucked like an old hooker with no teeth, but it was a bit better when you notice the Emperor containing his laughter during the whole break down! It's pretty evil. Some scenes where I thought the dialogue was a little much weren't so bad this time around. But I would still watch it at the casa de Barron than pay good money to see it in the theaters, and you can take that to the bank!

STAR WARS: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith - *** 1/2 stars, a little more well deserved than before.