Shit talkers and their lack of regard for those who T.C.B. ...

Ok, the situation has come to a head and I must address it NOW! I know some of you might be victims, so this is for you. I also know some of you may be the culprits, so this too is for you. Bastards.

If you happen to go to the restroom at your place of employment and know a co-worker just happens to be in a stall, MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! Is it really necessary to start some chit chat while you are in the bathroom doing whatever it is you are in there to do? Really?! What the hell is so important that someone taking a shit is just a small hurdle in the pursuit of conversation only YOU wish to have.

I can guarantee you for a fact that I never feel so lonely that I long for someone, anyone, to shoot the breeze with me while I'm trying to shake a monkey tail! Even if you happen to be in the stall next to me. It's bad enough that most of us barely get over the neurosis of having to use a public restroom in the first place, but do we need to have the fear of possibly being called out while in the shitter on our minds too! ESPECIALLY if there are people you don't even know in the bathroom listening in!

What made me snap and confront this issue you ask? Maybe it's the fact that I recently had one of my co-workers talk to me while I was making snakes. I have consistently told the motherfucker "DO NOT TALK TO ME WHILE I AM IN THE STALL! Or at the urinal for that matter!" If I'm in a position where my pee pee is in my hand, I'm grunting out some booty pebbles or dragging a small portion of paper product along my butthole, it's pretty much a sure thing I don't need to discuss work or what I watched on T.V. the night before.

When I used to work at my old employer I had this guy in my department drive me crazy with this shit! (no pun intended) I'm the kind of guy who doesn't believe that dress shoes are really necessary in an office and that tennis shoes of any style and color are just fine. Not everyone is aware of this theory and in some offices I am usually the only one aware of this theory. Well, all offices I've ever worked in so far, but that's not important.

Dave, the main shit talker enthusiast at my last employer, would stride in, see my tennis shoes, and loudly ask "DAMON?! IS THAT YOU? WHAT'S UP BUDDY..." and proceed to babble on. Like I said, it's bad enough having to take a shit at work, we all know that, but it's even worse when you don't know who's sitting next to you and some one like Dave announces who you are loud enough that the echo of you name bounces off the tile like a small rubber ball. This also solves the mystery for the person in the stall next to you who's wondering, "who the hell just let a sonic boom fall out of their ass in the stall next to me?" Now that fucker not only knows your name, but that you might have accidentally let out a lion roar fart and spread your name around with disgust as he tells the story of how you startled him with your loud ass cannon. I know I would.

Now that I'm on the subject, what about our good friend the courtesy flush? Is he in hiding? Does that part of bathroom pride no longer exist? What the hell? If you know that you had a chili breakfast burrito with extra jalapeno and washed it down with black coffee than you also know that you are eventually going to shit so hard your tail bone might touch the water? SOOO, why make everyone a victim of the consequences of your meal? I'm no fool, I know the bathroom isn't made to always smell like a Florist shop, but that doesn't mean I need a sound to match the smell that is making me gag! Give a courtesy flush! It's not that hard.

So a refresher. 1) If you know or think you might know who is in the stall, or making pee pee at the urinal...let it go. A smile is more than enough, a "hello" if you absolutely have to say something is acceptable, but not preferred.
2) If you are going to take one of those shits where you squeeze your knees because it's coming out hard and have to stifle a snicker because it sounds like your throwing hands full of clay in the water...give a courtesy flush! It might take care of the smell too!

I know I speak on behalf of all us bathroom users who sit in the stall like the Frank family in the Attic every time someone walks into the bathroom. There is no need for us to bring a spare pair of shoes and earmuffs to work with us. Thank you for your time.

DJB