Friday, May 27, 2005

One FLU over the cuckoo's nest...

I know it's been some time since I've made a post, but I've been pretty sick...AGAIN! Don't fret my pets, I have plenty to write and post from events that took place since the last post.

I figure it also gives everyone enough time to catch Ep.III Revenge of the Sith before I post my review. I will also share the wonderful tale of how I almost smashed in the faces of two movie theatre managers during my midnight premiere visit.

Yeah that's right, I saw the movie at Midnight!

See you after the long weekend!

DJB

Thursday, May 05, 2005

A day with the Dodgers ends with a WHORE-ible night…

The actual events in this story happened this last Saturday, but in observance of Cinco De Mayo I’ve decided to post it today. VIVA LA MEXICO! As a special treat to my readers I will randomly throw out Spanish words to give a shout out to my peeps. Do I speak Spanish? No, but that’s not going to stop this Hombre! I will also keep it real with a border hopper feel by not editing this story either! I'm sure it will be chalk full of type-o's, bad punctuation and random statements that are not politically correct. Hey, that's just how I do Essay!

This weekend I was invited to get in touch with my roots by traveling out to L.A. to catch a Dodgers game with my uncle Leo. I’m not a baseball fan in the least, as a matter of fact I detest the game. I find it as entertaining as manually pulling a turd out of an old persons ass without gloves! I do however enjoy sitting in a stadium and people watching. Especially in Los Angeles. One other reason I indulged in Americas favorite pastime is because I hadn’t hung out with Uncle Leo in quite some time. When you hang out with uncle Leo you know your going to enjoy some CERVESA’S and have a blast. Better yet, uncle Leo might get plowed and either put stuff on his head, as he’s been known to do when schnokerd for some reason – seriously, I’ve seen him put a cooler and a barstool on his noggin before, OR he might back you up in some liquid courage induced bar scuffle. If you don’t find that the recipe for a good time then you need to loosen up AMIGO!

To give you a bit of a visual on my co-pilot I’ll describe him a bit for you. Uncle Leo is about a foot shorter than I am, I’m 6’0, has a bit of a paunch (not PONCHO) but is a solid little guy! Very athletic and quick. He also has hair that is one level below an afro! According to my mother, Leo had beautiful straight hair when he was a wee lad and then one day POOF! His noggin was covered with pubic hair! I guess in the early stages of this development uncle Leo tried different tactics to get his hair back to the straight beautiful locks he used to have. One tactic was to wear a nylon cap to bed. It didn’t work. When I was a kid I too had beautiful straight hair and my sisters got the curse of the knaps! I would razz them with MUY gusto and my mom would threaten me with, “you know your uncle Leonard had straight hair too, then he went to bed one night and woke up with tight curly hair! Now that I look at it, you hair is looking like it might be getting a bit curly?” Now this would shut me up and even though I knew she was probably lying, I still had a hint of fear that she might be right. Luckily for me it never happened, thus making me a bigger asshole to my sisters and even growing my hair long for my younger sister to be jealous of! Her hair was so knappy that she tried to straighten it with Dark & Lovely and it didn’t even relax the curls. That’s a whole other tale, back to Leo. What I like about Leo is that he is a lot like me, or I’m a lot like him? Whatever, point is I think we click because our personalities are similar. I’m very monotone and Leo is worse than me so when we talk to each other it probably sounds like time as slowed down. When Leo and I go to bars we can sit and gel for hours, never feeling the need to entertain each other. His humor is as dry as old lady twat and he slays me when he gets wise. He isn’t afraid to talk shit to someone, yet when he does he is so monotone I don’t think people actually realize that he is putting them down. Another funny thing is all my friends love the guy? He isn’t your typical creepy uncle who is trying to fit in, he just does? And without even trying? He’s lawyer now, but when he was younger he was quite the rebel and has many stories to tell about the random shit he’s seen and done. I feel lucky that he like to share these stories with me because I know he probably wouldn’t with any one else, well, maybe Philly Blunts? If they had blog sites in his day I’m sure it would mirror this one.

Per his instructions, I get to Leo’s crib around 4pm so we can have some grub and brews before the big game. I’m not fucking around when I say uncle Leo has gots some mean skills in the kitchen yo! I had hung out at a friends house the night before and had a couple of beers…ok, a twelver of beers and I slept in pretty late. Since I opted to sleep in I didn’t have time to get a bite to eat, so when I got to Leo’s I was starved. Instantly I grab a beer and shoot the shit while he makes his final preparations to our meal. He was making beer chicken, mashed potatoes, and steamed broccoli. Just typing that out made my stomach grumble! Leo knows he is the mashed potato master usually makes them when I go over for dinner. I don’t how he does it, but they are by far the best spuds I’ve eaten. After a few beers it’s time to eat and Leo did not disappoint! Seeing as how I hadn’t eaten and started right up with the beers when I got there I was working a nice buzz, even after the meal. As soon as we finish eating we get ready to hit the road and I pound the fresh beer I was working on in seconds. This boosts my buzz a bit and I’m in a chipper mood. Leo likes to get there early so we can get a good parking spot so we didn’t have to wait forever when the game ended. We were also to meet some FAMILIA for a little tailgate drinking before the game. Sounded like a plan to me.

Now if your Mexican and live in California, it’s probably a safe assumption that you’ve attended a Dodger game at the prestigious DODGER STADIUM. It’s almost like it’s a rite of passage for us latino’s! Not just any mexicans go to these game either, un-uh, real live Los Angeles mexicans attend these games. On one hand I give them props for being able to have a place to congregate and express their latino pride. On the other hand, this is a place they congregate to express their latino pride. The worst of the worst go to the Dodger games! Take a second to think of a Mexican stereo-type…are you done? Now imagine 54,000 people who fit this stereo type, throw in some baseball and you pretty much have a real live Dodger game. It’s the exact opposite of an Angels game, which is located in Orange County. At Angel games the majority of spectators are WT or snobby white folks and their famalies. I think most of the Mexicans at Angel games are the ones usually serving up your beer and food. The vibe isn’t as good as and L.A. Dodger game, not by a long shot! As much as I hate baseball and homies, I can set aside my distaste for both at a good ole Dodger game! Shit, I’m down with brown!

When we got to the game we were supposed to meet up with the infamous Cousin Joey. Cousin Joey is my uncles cousin and I think that makes him my 2nd cousin? I’m not sure how the whole lineage thing works out, but I’m pretty sure that’s how it works? Cousin Joey and his wife were to be at the game with another character named Steve-O and his wife, who weren’t family but good peeps. I guess these kids are regualr Dodger fans and always have a little tail gate extravaganza before and after the game. From what Leo was saying they always have a bottomless cooler of beer. I’ve never met the cat, nor his friend, but stories have been told about how they were quite the mixers when it came to partying. Leo had met up with them in Laughlin not to long ago and raved about what animals these kids were. Basically, there was drinking and tits involved so I was even more intrigued to meet cousin Joey and Steve-O, but mostly their wives!

Once we get to the “special” parking spot Leo give Steve-O and Joey a call, but they hadn’t even made their way to the stadium yet so there wouldn’t be any beer busting in the parking lot. Since they were M.I.A. we would have to meet them after the game. Having just downed numerous beers prior to getting to the parking lot, I was pretty bummed. There was no way I could keep the suds flowing at $7 for a cup of shitty beer! I was S.O.L, but what could I do? I’d just have to wait till after the game when my thirst would be unbearable and try to find the bottom of Steve-O’s cooler. We decide to sit in the stadium to see what’s doin, we were an hour early so what other choice did we have? It wasn’t so bad and the crowd was pretty scarce so we were able to relax in our seats with out dealing with the hustle and bustle of finding our seats. Instantly my eyes scan the surrounding area for eye candy or carnies. Suprisingly there was a bevy of beauties to be seen! I found it amusing that Leo just happened to have a set of binoculars to “watch the game” with. The PR chicks were on the field toting around a group of kids and some mexican family with a girl wearing a tiara and sash. Even with Leo’s binoculars I couldn’t make out the writing on the sash, but I think she was Miss Taco’s Mexico or something. There was no way she was holding any prestigeous title with the mug she was walking around with! I did fall in love with one of the PR chicks on the field, but she doesn’t know and it makes me feel like it’s our special little seceret. Shhh! The ushers are a little “eclectic” if you will. They ranged from young to old, White to black, and normal to scary. I think my favorite was the girl that was walking around with a Jackie Gleason mustache! She was some young cha cha girl all decked out in her Dodger usher gear, but she had some funky facial hair? I was fascinated by this and quickly informed Leo of my discovery. As it turned out, after snatching the binoculars from Leo, she didn’t have a mustache after all? Nope, it was just a black outline around he lips?! That damn cha cha girl had the stupidest looking lipstick application and when you were far away it looked like a gross ass mustache. What made me even sicker was thinking about the shaved head home who glanced at her then excitedly telling his COMPADRE, “AYE! Look at baby girl, she is FINE aye!”

Leo and I are having a good time pointing out different “talent” out to each other and engaging in random conversation, but I was getting powerful thirsty for some brews! Not being able to take it anymore I tell ask Leo if he wanted a beer, my treat. He almost seems surprised by my offer and accepts. I trot up the stairs to the concession stand and order to Samuel Adams. “That’ll be…$14.50!,” the guy at the register tells me. “DAMN!” I think to myself, “I could have bought a case of Miller High Life for less than that!” Yeah, that’s right, I said HIGH LIFE! They don’t call that shit the “Champagne” of beers for nothing! I give the kid my cash and grab my cups of sweet sweet brew. It may have been a rip off, but it tasted like the baby Jesus kissed the tap and poured me a cup of heavenly beer, with love no less. While enjoying the cold brewha I start studying my surrounding and notice how different things were from when I was a kid. When I was younger they only had the one big screen t.v. in center field and none of the fancy graphic screens all around the seating areas. I even went there for the Depech Mode Violator tour in ’89 when the most advance thing there was the sound system. Other than that the stadium was pretty dated. Now the stadium is still outdated, but with a new big screen t.v. in centerfield (right next to the old ass one from yesteryear) and newer seats and signs. After processing the wonderful changes that have taken place Leo reminds me that after tonights game there would be a fire works extravaganza! Woo whoo! The game is about to start and the stadium is pretty packed by now. Since the crowd had grown the army of walking concession folk start to pop up hear and there. There is your usual cotton candy, ice cream sandwich and pizza guys roaming around, but the stand out vender was the peanut guy! Oh boy was he rich! He’s an older caucasion gentlemen with an angry “I’m the peanut master” look on his face and a hair piece that looked like a wedge of 70’s porno pussy hair! Seriously, it was a horrible patch of thick, coarse black hair reasted atop an old head full of grey hair. The front looked so odd because there was no real hair line, it just looked like a kitten taking a nap on his forehead. Leo informs me that the tiger is well known among Dodger fans and that the old bastard even has his own website! I scoff at this bit of information and think to myself “boy, they’ll let anyone have a fucking website won’t they!?” ahem. Well this guy is slinging nuts like a ninja and to be honest it was rather impressive. While I’m transfixed on Mr. Peanut Leo remarks that he has a fix on Cousin Joey and Steve-O. Having never seen them before I ask where and grab the binoculars. They are seated in the left outfield corner and even though Leo tells me where they are sitting all I can see is this old guy with white hair and a goatee? I explain to Leo that I don’t see them and the tells me again where to look. “I only see that old guy?.. wait, is that him? That old fucker? I thought he was a younger guy?”
“uh…no. That’s him.”
What a kick in the balls, I just assumed he was a younger guy. I see the wives and even though they are a bit older they are pretty attractive. Who turns out to be Joey’s wife look very similar to the mother in “Malcolm in the Middle”, Steve-O’s wife is just cute. Leo says we’ll meet up with them later on so we just sit back and enjoy the game.

After a bit of game watching we hear these two dipshits behind us talking bout gettin some peanuts up in this piece! I sneak a peek at this dynamic duo and shake my head in shame. They are both Mexican, naturally, and probably in their late teens – early twenties max! One kid is fat and has a look on his face like all his face muscles gave out. The other guy wasn’t as retarded looking, but sounding? Well, that was another story. Retardo Montelban is trying to get peanut guys attention but when he calls out it sounds like “DAY! BEEDUNTS OBER HERE! DAY! DAY! WEED WANDS SOME BEEDUNTS!” so he finally does a loud whistle and get P-nuts attention (actually I think my uncled said his name was Roger? Why he knew that I don’t know). P-nut flings a bag of nuts over to the tard with precision and barley misses the top of Leo’s head. He must have been selling up a storm of nuts because he is glistening with perspiration, yet the front of his hair is mysteriously dry? Hmm. I see EL GIGANTE catch the nuts and sits looking at P-nut. “PASS IT TO THE LEFT” P-nut yells to Chubbo while pointing in the direction he’s yelling about. I had my back to the dipshit behind me, but I could see a look of frustration on P-nuts face. “TO THE LEFT! PASS IT DOWN THAT WAY” he yells again. Wondering if the kid was just being an asshole Leo and I turn slightly in our seats to see what the drama was. When I turn around I see Fats Domino sitting there with peanuts in one hand, money in the other and one big look of confusion on his stupid mug. Not really understanding what he was to pass to the left he starts to pass the peanuts down the aisle. “NO! WHA…NOT THE NUTS! PASS IT DOWN!” Again, the dumbfuck starts to pass the peanuts to the left. He has the nuts passed down about two people and P-nut charges up the aisle looking irritated. “CAMMON! YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! THE MONEY! PASS THE MONEY NOT THE NUTS! GEEZ!” Ricky Retardo finally gets it and I can actually see when he understands by the expression on his face. Finally he passes his cash down the aisle and as P-nut is counting it he looks up at Chubbs Mckenzie and his buddy saying “Why would I ask for the nuts back?” then he makes eye contact with Fatso’s buddy “Where did you find this guy?!” The other guys doesn’t say a word and P-nut passes the change back, shakes his head in disgust and storms away. Leo and I turn back to face the field while the section gets oddly silent and we don’t say a word. Feeling like a huge asshole the fat retard loudly says, “Buckin’ Dasshole, Das why heeds delling beednuts!” I think the statement was made with hopes of all of the people around him chiming in with support and agreement, but no one said a word. The only sound that was made was when Leo and I glanced at each other and then broke out in childish snickering while holding our fists to our mouth. I seriously wanted to smack the nuts out of Tubbo’s hand and slap him in the mouth for being an idiot.

Some time passes and then I see a beach ball fall out of the sky and into the crowd in front of us. I had totally forgot about the beach ball bullshit that goes on during the games. I look around and notice that all over the stadium beach balls are being bounced around. People are smacking them all around and the ushers are tying to snatch which ever balls they can but I only see a couple of balls get snagged! (eww, that sounded wrong) One ball comes in our direction and I see Leo pull his arm back and WHAMO! He smacks the ball like it was Tina Turner! He makes solid contact and it goes flying forward with furious speed…right into the back of some ladies head. Leo just smiles and doesn’t even apologize! I start busting up and continue to watch the beach ball extravagana. I see one ball and it cracks me up because it has a big “99 cent store” written across it. After pointing it out to Leo he tells me “ah…yes, that is a big favorite here” and after looking around I notice that almost every other beach ball is indeed a “99 cent store” ball! Boy, my people really plan this shit out. The ball frenzy dies down and then another retarded tradition starts up… the WAVE! I probably hate the wave more than I hate looking at the thick yellow toe nail on an old persons foot! Little did I know that the wave was a perfect oppourtunity for Fat guy in little coat’s buddy behind us to shine! He was hella excited about the wave, so excited that as it crept up to our right he kept yelling, “OOOOH! HERE IT COMES! HERE IT COOOMES!!!!” then it came and he would stand up while yelling “YAAAAY! WHOOO!” like he was really dodging waves in the ocean. I kid you not, he did this EVERY single time the wave came by! And it came by quite a few times. Sick part was, I think Leo and I were the only ones who never left our seats whenever the wave came by. We would both just sit still staring forward in uncomfortable disgust. I figure this was a good time to take a piss and I get up and head towrds the bathroom.

I swear that if I didn’t have to piss so bad that I was tasting it I would never have gone. The bathrooms were filled with drunk HOMBRE’s and little kids pissing. The worst part was there weren’t any urinals, just a troft! GROSS! Last thing I need to see and hear is the hearty yellow stream of a strangers piss splashing around the inside of a troft! I also don’t like having to whip out my Barron-cuda sized pee pee in front of strangers! Luckily for me I wasn’t cold because I would have been really embarassed if someone saw me and thought I was trying to squeeze liquid out of a walnut!

Finally the game is almost over and it’s well into the night when Leo says we should go meet up with cousin Joey at his seats. Heading over there Leo has to shake a snake so I wait outside the pissers for him. When he comes out he tells me he ran into Steve-O in the pisser and he would show us where we can sit. Steve-O comes out and it’s this young guy who is taller that I am, and has forearms like a… baseball player! He gives me a hearty handshake and we say our hello’s. He tells us to come down where his seats were because there wasn an empty aisle in front of him we could sit in. While we’re walking down he informs us that we shouldn’t sit in the first two seats because some drunk asshole had puked all over them. As I approach the barf seafts I notice that they have been rinsed off, but the pungent smell of vomit is still lingering! Finally I meet cousin Joey and the wives. Joey is an old looking guy but friendly, not annoying kind of friendly either, it was the comfortable kind of friendly that makes you want to get to know the kid. The wives are a little older looking up close, but cute enough that a Mrs. Robinson fantasy wouldn’t be unheard of. We all give our hello’s and handshakes and watch the final inning of the game. Dodgers beat the Rockies if you were interested, I wasn’t.

“So do you guys want to have some beers at the car” Steve-O offers
“YES I FUCKING DO!” I think to myself with parched excitement
“mmm, uh…sure!” Leo exclaims
We start the trek up the stairs and cousin Joey says he and his wife had to use the restroom and would meet us at Steve-O’s truck. Steve-O’s wife says Steve-O was going to take back a shirt she had bought earlier in the game and he’d be right back. Leo and her talk for a bit and no Steve-O? I look around and notice that after the game they started letting people out on the field to watch the fire works. The crowd on the field was enourmous and looked like chocolate sprinkles on a green frosted cupcake. There were mexicans everywhere and they came prepared! All around the field there were coolers, people in sleeping bags and base balls being tossed around, a few footballs too. What really made my mexican pride shine were the few Mexican flags being waved around like we just over took Dodger Stadium and were claiming it the property of Mexico! What a wonderful night to be Mexican! It’s starting to get close to fireworks time and still no Steve-O? WTF?! His wife starts to get impatient and finally calls him on her cel to see what’s up. She seems pissed and gets off the phone. “Fucking guys are already at the car drinking!” she yells and we follow her as she charges out of the stadium. While walking through the parking lot the fireworks start blasting over our heads. Although they were colorful, they were kind of cheesy? I see the “crew” gathered around an SUV and they are all holding beers and smiling at us as we approach. There are some other broads with them (friends of the crew, but I never really got the gist of who they were) and a kid who looked bored out of his skull. Steve-O, knowing he was in trouble walks up to his wife with open arms and starts apologizing. His wife plays as if pissed, but it’s only an act and she brushes him off.

Steve-O’s hands Leo and I a couple of tall boy Coors Lights and even though I’m not a big fan of Coors Light, I do appreciate the delicate flavor of free beer! We all stand around joking and joshing, beer after beer when cousin Joeys wife has to take a piss. We’re pretty deep in the parking lot and the only place where she could let it flow was some portable building in the back of the lot. For some reason she claimed that was too far away and decided to have the other ladies that were there hold blankets around her as she pissed between two cars. I swear to got had we been any closer to the steep mountain wall behind us she would have collapsed it with the furious flood of piss she released! From the looks of it, the was the first time she had ever pissed and she had decades of piss to let go of! I’d neveer seen such a puddle and apparently no one else had either because they all commented on the enourmous amount of piss that filled the parking lot. It was all fun and games until by my 4 tall boy I had to make water too! Steve-O was pissing the whole time by opening the SUV door and standing near it pissing away. Two of his pisses didn’t even add up to Joey’s wifes flood gates. I crack and decide Steve-O’s ghetto piss tactics were good enough for me! I was no prima donna! Leo joins me on the other side of the SUV and I piss like I’ve never pissed before! I swear I was chipping the asphalt with every drop too! Still not equalling the amount of Joey’s wifes piss I give a bouncy shake, tuck in the beast, zip up and walk back. I grab a fresh cold beer and us the frost and ice bits to wash my hands. As I’m doing this Steve-O’s wife calls out “NICE PEE SPOT!” and points to my shorts! I look down and notice that she is right! DAMN PENIS! I had give it a good shake too! They all start to laugh and I just shrug it off, what could I do?

We “party” it up a bit and it’s already getting past 1am and we are almost the only ones in the lot. I must have had about 6 tall boys, and everyone else had just as many when I realized Leo was right! Steve-O’s fucking cooler really was bottomless! I look to Leo with amusement ready to tell him about my realization when I notice he’s had a few too many. I ask him if he wants to go to china town for some grub and he agrees. After wrapping up the pizzarty we get a ride back to the car and give our goodbyes. On the ride back Steve-O’s wife had to ride back in my lap and maybe it was the Coors, but I found the whole ride rather nice! OH FUCK OFF, I’m not ashamed! As they leave I get in the Leo mobile and it’s off to china town for some eats!

On some other bender I had went on with uncle Leo in L.A. he had intrduced me to this chinese food place in china town that served fresh food after hours. This place is called Happy House Seafood and if your ever in L.A. and mildly drunk you want to eat here! If you are sober, you’ll still want to check this place out! It’s pretty packed when we get there but we only have to wait a few mins before we are seated. Once we get our table I look around and tell Leo that it’s pretty packed, unlike the last time we were there. He gives the place a look around and loudly says, “At least we didn’t get stuck in the HONKEY section!” and points to the other side of the resaurant with his thumb! He is MUY funny that Leo is! I order a beer but Leo declines, explaining that he still had a full beer in the car from the parking lot binge. Guess he had to hide one because they kept coming at us at an alcoholics pace. He order us our food, because I don’t know what to get there and Leo knows the menu, when I see this cop walk in with two girls and sits at the table near us. The cop looks like a hispanic Ving Rhames and looks like his face isn’t made for smiling. If that wasn’t bad enough I give the girls the once over and realize they are WHORES! Really! Amazed I whisper to Leo that the cop brought in two whores and for him to confirm it. Maybe it was the beer, I don’t know? But Leo lost all comprehension of discretion and turns around like C-3po to have a look. He turns back around and agrees with me. They were gross whores too! One was this little mexican girl who looked like she didn’t really want to be there. The one that did seem like she wanted to be there was wearing this tight red one piece dress that made her figure look like a stocking filled with chewed bubble gum! Her body was loose and gross and her big spreader ass was covering the whole seat! We both cringe, but I wanted to know what Ving was doing with these whores?! Uncle Leo says most cops cruise their whores around in plain clothes so he was a bit surprised that this cop was in uniform. I was just surprised that he was with WHORES! AYE CARUMBA! I snapped a picture of them at the table so if anyone wants to see them just send me an e-mail.

Over all the day was pretty eventful and definitley better than a day spent in the O.C. Who gets to eat a fine home cooked meal, catch a Dodger game, people watch, drink beers like they were water, have a pretty lady bounce around in your lap and watch a cop eat delicious chinese food with real live WHORES! It was new to me!I drove Leo home then headed back to the CASA DE BARRON and called it a night…after calling some WHORES over for some breakfast! Just kidding…

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!

DJB

*UPDATE* - It's been requested that I post the picture of the cop and WHORES and I think I've finally figured out how. Enjoy!

DJB