Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Motor-Homies on the open road...

When I was a young lad of 15 I was as eager as anyone my age to get my drivers license. There were a few cats out there who acted like they were very passive about the whole rite of passage, but I firmly believe their bodies we just holding sacks for bullshit. Who didn't want a license, and if lucky a CAR, by the age of 16? I know I did, and I wanted it so bad I could taste the exhaust coming from the garden hose in the tail pipe that I placed ever so gently in my drivers side window...err, scratch that last part.

Unfortunately I got older and had the privilege to experience what in some circles is referred to as "GRIDLOCK"! (and not that shitty Tupac and Tim Roth movie either - actually that was "Gridlock'd yo! on the real) After a few years of chain smoking and throwing the bird to asshole drivers I no like it so good no mo joe! This didn't really kick in until I was about 19 or 20 so I still had a few fun days of driving to reflect on. None were as memorable as the ones from the days BEFORE I had a drivers license.

My father and Step-monkey (Berta, who was around for 11 years before pops decided fella's was where it was at) didn't really jump at the chance to take lil ole me out for some behind the wheel practice. One reason was because they felt I wasn't "deserving" of such a privilege, for reasons we probably agree to disagree on, and also because I practically made them stain the car seats with shit after a couple of disastrous outings with me behind the wheel. For instance, there was my first time behind the wheel when I didn't have the skill of looking to the left WITHOUT veering to the right down too well and almost knocked a pedestrian into the trunk of his own car. Another example was when Berta asked if I wanted to drive her to the supermarket and I was in such shock and joy I all but carried her to the car and threw her in the passenger seat. That time I was so excited to get to drive that in my overzealousness I forgot to put my glasses on and proceeded to drive like a bat out of hell down the street. It was close to dusk yet somehow it got really foggy out and I could barely see the stop signs. OH WAIT! That was just me looking around with out my glasses! I was a good 4 blocks away from the house before I finally fessed up to not being able to see because my glasses were on the kitchen counter. I only fessed up to stop the constant Ethel Merman toned nagging coming from the passenger seat. Needless to say I didn't get to drive home, or with Berta ever again.

Knowing that my days of parental assisted driving lessons were going to be as rare as sightings of the Lochness Monster I had to think of ways to get my driving skills mastered. Even if it was on my own. Luckily during these years my parents were big on taking vacations and spending their evenings eating at fine restaurants...without me. It was annoying at first, but then the light of opportunity all but blinded me! Let them skip town and scarf their delicious steaks! This just meant that I would have ample time to hit the road, and without them knowing too! It was too perfect! Especially because I came to the conclusion that parents just make new drivers paranoid and I was a natural behind the wheel. I just needed the chance to let my driving expertise shine!

The first time I was going to take the driving world by storm was when my parents had left for vacation. My dad had this Toyota truck from the late 70's that he rarely drove and was to be all mine when the big 1-6 hit! (that never happened...ahem) They had newer cars by this time and the truck was just used to haul building materials and anything else that needed to have me do manual labor in the backyard. It was a nice faded yellow and small enough that it was no where near intimidating. Oh, and it was a stick shift too.

Now I had rarely driven an automatic and closest I came to driving a stick shift was when I was left in the car while pops was in a store and I moved around the shifter knob. This wasn't a big deal though. How hard could it be? I grabbed the keys out of the basket and merrily strolled down the front steps that led to the driveway. I could feel the connection me and this little truck had and had no reservations about starting it up and taking on the road. It was my destiny to tame this little yellow bastard! I sit in the car and slip the key in the ignition. I had seen the old man drive the truck many o time and knew that "one pedal" had to be pushed in to move the shifter knob. Oh and lookie here! The knob already had letters on top telling me where to move it! This would be a cinch. I put on my seat belt, look behind me to make sure there was nothing in my way when I went in reverse, then I face forward and turn the key! Nothing. "Wha?!" I think in a slight panic, "was the fucking truck busted!?" I turn the key again and nothing! What the hell was the deal? Then it hit me! I had to step on that one pedal THEN turn the key. Ahh yes, it starts right up with a rev that tells me "C'mon Damon! Let get this fucker rolling!" I look behind me again and realize I've got a crazed grin of excitement on my face and I would probably drive around like that too! I move the knob into the "R" setting and lightly let the "pedal" up. I start to roll back and...start jerking around like a fucking mechanical bull! SHIT! The truck stalls and I have to start all over again. "C'mon Damon, slow and easy gets the job done". I start it up again and start to roll in reverse. I was almost out of the drive way. I give a little more gas and roll out faster. I get out in the street and manage to turn the truck so I was almost facing right down the street. I put the knob in the "d" slot and give it a hint of gas. This was easy! What is the big deal about driving stick? Poo on all you nay-sayers I think to myself! It was just about then that I realized I hadn't straightened out the wheel and sped right into a neighbors bush. The front of the truck had jumped the curb and landed right on top of this huge bush. I finally realized I couldn't really drive stick and I'd best find someone who did and quick! I had to get this fucking truck out of my neighbors bush! I leave the truck where it was and run back in the house to call my good buddy Jason!

Jason's parents had bought him a jetta and took him driving all the time. Luckily the jetta was a stick shift and I knew he was the man to call.
Ring, ring...ring, ring, "HELLO?"
"Hello, this is Damon. Is Jason home?"
"Hey Damon! Sure, hold on..." Jason's mom's had answered the phone and was always so chipper
"Hello" Jason wasn't always so chipper
"MAN I NEED YOU TO HELP ME OUT! I WANTED TO DRIVE MY DAD'S TRUCK AND..." I quickly ditched the calm cool demeanor I had spoke to his mom with and let a tone of the situation at hand reflect in my voice. I spill my guts about the pickle I was in to him and plea for his help.
"What?! HAHA! Uh, let me ask my mom. Hold on" I hear him set down the phone and tell his mom "Damon tried to drive his dad's truck and now he's stuck in a bush! HAHAHA! No, really! He wants to know if we can go get the truck out and put it back in the drive-way? No, I don't think his parents know"
THAT SUNUFABITCH! He sure didn't waste anytime ratting me out to his folks! This was just the beginning of Jason's a-hole ways I would find out later on. To this day he still finds it amusing to rat you out on stuff!
"Hello? Yeah my mom says we'll be there in a bit"
"thanks" Who was I to call him out, I needed the truck moved!

I see him pull up the cul de sac and his mom is in the passenger seat. As I'm walking down the drive-way I sheepishly wave to his mom, "hello Mrs. Deamos..."
"Oh Damon, what are you doing?!", she replies in disbelief and amusement.
"Um, nothing...", what could I say?
It took about 5 mins for Jason to get out his car, jump in my dad's truck and put it back in the drive-way. All while laughing at me. I didn't care, let him laugh! Just put the fucking truck back! He finishes his duty and speeds away as him mom waves good-bye to me. I get the keys out of the truck run back inside and throw them in the key basket with disgust. I hated stick shifts and I hated that truck.

Automatics were where it was at. I let the driving bug go for a month or so before I decided the "Cougar" my Step-monster had recently bought was the car for me. I had driven it once before and I knew I could easily master that car. I ended up taking it for a spin a few times when my parents were out and I really did have the bastard under my control. Seeing as how I could now easily drive a car and I was left home quite a bit I was comfortable enough to pick up buddies for joyrides. Trips to the mall? No sweat, I'll be right over! McDonald's sound good to you? Don't worry I'll take us through the drive thru! Driving was my thing and I was always willing to get behind the wheel...when my parents were out that is.

My driving buddy of choice at the time was my friend Dave (it would have been Jason, but he was a big cherry about this stuff. This would change in later years though). Dave was a master behind the wheel as well and he could even stunt drive too! I had seen him and another buddy of ours stunt drive numerous times. The other fellow was named John. His parents were Korean and owned a sunglass hut at the swap meet so they drove a big van. John was already 16 and used to take the van out once in a while. One day I go to Dave's house and when I get there him and John were sitting in the van with big smiles on their faces. "CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!", they yell to me. John drives up the street a bit and then makes a u turn to come back down the street. As the van charges down the street John climbs out the driver side window and Dave climbs out the passenger window. They both meet each other on the top of the van and hop back in the windows, only now Dave is in the driver seat and John is in the passenger seat! All while the truck is charging down the street! GENIUS I TELL YOU!

One day I call Dave up and tell him to grab his shit, I was going to pick him up. Stunt driving wasn't really my thing, but I wasn't exactly any smarter than that either.

I pick Dave up in the trusty "Cougar" and start off on our journey. We drive around the mean streets of Upland for a bit and our second go-round of Benson Street I have a brainstorm. Since this was a long winding road, wouldn't it be hilarious if Dave lied in the middle of the street, in front of the car like I had hit him?! Yes, yes it would! About halfway down this winding street we manage to contain our laughter and I direct Dave on what would be the best position to lie in. He sprawls out on the middle of the street in front of the cougar, which is parked cock-eyed, and I stand guard, anxiously waiting for cars. Finally I hear the hum of an engine and we get ready for the show. As the car creeps up I Jump out of the car and run to the front in a panicked manner. Dave proceeds to lie still while I run around in circles almost in tears. "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!" I yell while prancing around. The oncoming car was driven by some old guy and his equally old lady friend in the passenger seat. I see the old guy give us a look and as they veer around us the old woman puts a hand to her mouth and appears to be in disbelief. Either that or she just found out her kids were shipping her off to a retirement home...naked! SCORE! I start laughing and Dave takes this as his cue to RISE FROM THE GRAVE! He leaps to his feet and runs back to the car buckled over with laughter. Ahh, good times. We figured one car was enough because you never know if the next car might be Uplands Finest (and Upland High's nemesis Officer Doyle) and drove towards the mall.

Down Central Avenue, on the way to the Montclair Plaza, just below the Claremont Colleges, there runs a stretch of train tracks. Running along side of the tracks is a small dead end street with a small cluster of houses, all facing towards the tracks. All of these houses appeared to be run down and occupied by...HOMIES!!! I HATE Homies! Being Mexican, I find this group of guys and gals despicable. What does begin Mexican have to do with anything you ask?! Try being Mexican, then shave your head and wear Nike's running shoes. If you don't get a nasty case of stink eye thrown your way, then I owe you an apology. I don't care if they put on shitty plays like "Duke Of Earl", or better yet "Duke Of Earl II", in their feeble attempts to give back to their communities. They are a shit group of folks!

On our merry adventure in the magical Cougar we found ourselves at the stop sign right before the tracks. Minding our business both of our gazes are drawn to the sound of loud whistling and yelling. Dave and I look to my left and see that the cause of all the ruckus was them damn HOMIES!!! Either these fuckers were letting us know the status of numerous field goals kicked their way, or they were simply throwing their arms out and talking shit. Well, I didn't see any damn footballs around so the gang signs and whistling lead me to believe the latter. We just grimace at them and go about our business. The mall was bunk and we decided to head to the Casa de Barron to regroup.

After hanging about my room for a bit we try and think of fun things to do. Shit, we had a car and all day to burn what could we do? Hmm... It's at this point I notice Dave is fiddling around with my broken BB rifle. Terminator was on a few weeks prior and as a tribute to "Reese" I sawed the stock off of my rifle and taped it up. It kind of looked like the gun in the movie, but it looked more like fun for the afternoon after I had a brainstorm! My eyebrows raised with excitement and I start to fill Dave in on my plan. He was as excited as I was, as I knew he would be, and it was off to the car to get the plan rolling! With broken gun in tow.

I had put the rifle in the trunk before we started off so we wouldn't look like hoodlums trolling around with a firearm. Especially in an uptight neighborhood like Upland. When we got a few blocks from the train tracks on central I pull over and Dave grabs the rifle from the trunk and dashes back into the car. We both put on our sunglasses and lean the seats back a bit, then it's off to the tracks. As expected the Homies stop drinking their Budweiser's and start up with their cat calls. The only difference was this time we had a plan! As I start to roll past the stop sign I drive a few feet then SLAM on the brakes so Dave and I can throw some mad dog stares in the Homies direction. The Homies don't disappoint and start yelling even louder. We just casually roll forward till we pass the cul de sac. A block away we have tears of laughter rolling down our cheeks and make a U turn. Oh no, the plan was only half-way done!

We start back up central and Dave has the rifle in his lap ready to roll! Only minutes from our last run in with the Homies we pull up to the stop sign on the opposite side of the tracks. Instantly the youngest looking Homie start barking his Homies-isms to us. Cool and collected I hit the power windows switch and roll down the window in Dave's side. With lightning quick speed Dave raises the rifle up and in the worst spanish/Homie accent yells "JOR DEAD HOLMES" and starts moving the rifle around like he didn't know where to start blasting! All of the sudden these street hardend Homies transformed into the most agile gymnasts I had ever seen. Almost in a comic manner they start running around, and almost into each other, while some start covering theirs heads. The best were the Homies who managed to take two small hops and one HUGE leap over the planter walls diving for cover. I hit the gas, the engine gives a large charging sound...and we just drive away at a normal jerky speed. Damn, it was a Cougar not a Corvette! What did you expect? I cannot even begin to explain the amusement and satisfaction I felt. Dave was laughing and bouncing about like an epileptic and we decided it was best to gas up the G-ride, get it home and call it a day! Mission accomplished!

Now as I sit and reflect on those wonder years I think to myself, "WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!?" Really, what the fuck kind of dip-shit teenager was I? Sure times are a little different now, definitely more violent, but that doesn't mean we couldn't have been shot up then! Not to mention that my step-mofo was a frequent cruiser of Central Avenue and constantly went to the mall! What if one day she was at the stop sign by the tracks and little puppet happens to recognize her car? "Hey?! Sad girl, go call Smiley and tell him to come outside right quick! I think I see that Puto's car who pulled the gun on us aye!" Then we get the call at the house telling my dad to go to the hospital because my step-moco had been shot up by Homies!? How would I keep such a horrid secret from my dad? Better yet, what the hell would I drive!? You know damn well if Berta took a few slugs than the Cougar did too! I wasn't about to start driving that little yellow truck!

I guess if anything my advice to all those who have teenagers who are jonesing for their drivers license, make them wait as long as possible! If you have a feeling they are going to do some stupid shit when they get behind the wheel you are probably right. Trust me! I don't even want to get into the story about when I ran the Aerostar along side an RV! I still can't believe my dad bought my story of damaging the side of the van by running out with a large piece of wood to build a ramp for my car and crashing into it! Maybe it was because I explained it all with a shaky voice and invisible tears? Hmm...

DJB

Monday, March 07, 2005

UPDATE KFC's Sandwich is really named "SNACKER", that's the real Kicker...

It was brought to my attention that my last review of Killing Fucking Chicken's new sandwich had an error in it. I had mistakenly labled that palm sized pile of shit the "Kicker". The actual name is "Snacker"! My apologies to all readers, it happens to the best of us...even me.

In my defense I issue a challenge. You eat one of these things and once you take the last bite and it feels like Colonel Sanders himself is crawling out of your asshole, coming out feet last, try and have your wits about you! Kicker, Snacker, it still felt like butt rape to me! AND FOR ONLY 99 CENTS! Yay.

DJB

Friday, March 04, 2005

Shit talkers and their lack of regard for those who T.C.B. ...

Ok, the situation has come to a head and I must address it NOW! I know some of you might be victims, so this is for you. I also know some of you may be the culprits, so this too is for you. Bastards.

If you happen to go to the restroom at your place of employment and know a co-worker just happens to be in a stall, MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! Is it really necessary to start some chit chat while you are in the bathroom doing whatever it is you are in there to do? Really?! What the hell is so important that someone taking a shit is just a small hurdle in the pursuit of conversation only YOU wish to have.

I can guarantee you for a fact that I never feel so lonely that I long for someone, anyone, to shoot the breeze with me while I'm trying to shake a monkey tail! Even if you happen to be in the stall next to me. It's bad enough that most of us barely get over the neurosis of having to use a public restroom in the first place, but do we need to have the fear of possibly being called out while in the shitter on our minds too! ESPECIALLY if there are people you don't even know in the bathroom listening in!

What made me snap and confront this issue you ask? Maybe it's the fact that I recently had one of my co-workers talk to me while I was making snakes. I have consistently told the motherfucker "DO NOT TALK TO ME WHILE I AM IN THE STALL! Or at the urinal for that matter!" If I'm in a position where my pee pee is in my hand, I'm grunting out some booty pebbles or dragging a small portion of paper product along my butthole, it's pretty much a sure thing I don't need to discuss work or what I watched on T.V. the night before.

When I used to work at my old employer I had this guy in my department drive me crazy with this shit! (no pun intended) I'm the kind of guy who doesn't believe that dress shoes are really necessary in an office and that tennis shoes of any style and color are just fine. Not everyone is aware of this theory and in some offices I am usually the only one aware of this theory. Well, all offices I've ever worked in so far, but that's not important.

Dave, the main shit talker enthusiast at my last employer, would stride in, see my tennis shoes, and loudly ask "DAMON?! IS THAT YOU? WHAT'S UP BUDDY..." and proceed to babble on. Like I said, it's bad enough having to take a shit at work, we all know that, but it's even worse when you don't know who's sitting next to you and some one like Dave announces who you are loud enough that the echo of you name bounces off the tile like a small rubber ball. This also solves the mystery for the person in the stall next to you who's wondering, "who the hell just let a sonic boom fall out of their ass in the stall next to me?" Now that fucker not only knows your name, but that you might have accidentally let out a lion roar fart and spread your name around with disgust as he tells the story of how you startled him with your loud ass cannon. I know I would.

Now that I'm on the subject, what about our good friend the courtesy flush? Is he in hiding? Does that part of bathroom pride no longer exist? What the hell? If you know that you had a chili breakfast burrito with extra jalapeno and washed it down with black coffee than you also know that you are eventually going to shit so hard your tail bone might touch the water? SOOO, why make everyone a victim of the consequences of your meal? I'm no fool, I know the bathroom isn't made to always smell like a Florist shop, but that doesn't mean I need a sound to match the smell that is making me gag! Give a courtesy flush! It's not that hard.

So a refresher. 1) If you know or think you might know who is in the stall, or making pee pee at the urinal...let it go. A smile is more than enough, a "hello" if you absolutely have to say something is acceptable, but not preferred.
2) If you are going to take one of those shits where you squeeze your knees because it's coming out hard and have to stifle a snicker because it sounds like your throwing hands full of clay in the water...give a courtesy flush! It might take care of the smell too!

I know I speak on behalf of all us bathroom users who sit in the stall like the Frank family in the Attic every time someone walks into the bathroom. There is no need for us to bring a spare pair of shoes and earmuffs to work with us. Thank you for your time.

DJB

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Episode II : Chilly "D" vs. M.C. Ginnis - A Star Wars Rap Battle to the FINISH...

Here is part deaux in the wicked verbal street brawl me and M.C. Ginnis got rollin' the other day yo! Who's gots the skills ta pay the bills?! Give it a read and decide for you self Knocka! Drop a lizz-ine in the comments if you gots the heart or you can disappear like a smelly baby fart! Ya heard!

My Rhymes are in BOLD font, M.C. Ginnis is in normal font.

Again...start from the bottom up:

-----Original Message-----
From: Damon J Barron [mailto:kenobimail@*****.com]
Sent: Wednesday, March 02, 2005 1:11 PM
To: M.C. Ginnis
Subject: RE: Web link



Shazam! Your rhymes is like Stevie Wonder! OUTTA SIGHT!

Yo, Ima bout to bring it...

My rhymes come at you big and strong like my man David Prowse
Your skills don't compare, like Kenny Baker your small as a mouse
Squeezing on Leia's boobies cause I'm the brutha in charge
I'm the biggest V.I.P. up on Jabba's sail barge

When I'm on the mike I'm just like Jar Jar and I get stupid
My shows pack more magic than when Han and Leia were shot by cupid
I know how to make Jabba’s dancers groove with the funk
But you would never know cause you can't get past B'ohmar Monk

The ladies I score are so hot they turn planet Hoth to water
It's no big surprise that I'm screwing Anankin’s Daughter
The way the Republic and Empire dig me almost makes me sick
It's like I got all of them suckahs and playuhs under a Jedi mind trick

I got my spinners on the falcon cause that's how I'm cruisin
Bumpin beats harder than Vader giving Luke a bruisin
Just like Anakin its for more skills that your wishin
Not even Lucas could help you out with a new SPECIAL EDITION!

what what!


M.C. Ginnis wrote:


Damn Charles...yo shit is in charge.

I'm about to get ill with my skill...


I'm the AT-ST driver, my flow will squash you like a moth
My beat-box skills will leave you frozen back on Hoth
With rhymes so thick, they'll stick to you like jelly
Breaking you in half and stuffing you in a Taun Taun's belly

This shit is deep, like the voice of James Earl Jones
Tearing through the galaxy and destroying all the Clones
My speeder-bike is blinging, I roll with all the cash
I'm an intergalactic Jedi-pimp with a Lando mustache

My flow is vicious, like snaggle-tooth's face
I've got the freshest kick-worm on the planet and in space
I know you're listening...you just have to get your fix
My beats will get you high just like your snorting death-sticks

Padme just called and she wants me over pronto
She'll sit on my face and ride me like a Ronto
Bitch is tired of Anakin...says the dude's a bum
Leia's coming too for my rapping-Jedi threesome

what!



-----Original Message-----
From: Damon J Barron [mailto:kenobimail@.*****com]
Sent: Wednesday, March 02, 2005 10:50 AM
To: M.C. Ginnis
Subject: RE: Web link

Damn money! That flow was BANK!

Imo step it up a bit yo...

I'm using my lyrical saber and I'm swinging it hard
Gonna cut through M.C.'s like Gammorean Guards
The force flows in my funky style that I'm bringgin straight to ya
Your gonna get wrapped up in my beats like the head of Bib Fortuna

Like the republic to the empire, I'm ignoring what your barkin
Your raps are getting stale and old just like Grand Moff Tarkin
When it comes to Star Wars your like Luke in Dagobah...LOST!
Even Tony Danza heard my rhymes and asked "who's the Bossk?"

Step up to me and I'll roll you up like the buns in Leia's hair
My words fly faster than the pod races on Malastair
Your like my padawan trying to earn the rights to your saber
I'll take you under my wing so you can be my Cloud Car Neighbor

I make Tuskan Raiders pack up a village and scurry like a womp rat
I'm known through out the galaxy, every one knows where it's AT-AT
You were on the Kessel run? I think heard some rebels tell that story
Someone told it to me while I was on Yavin 4 getting a medal for my glory

Even when Jedi's die they talk about how I'm so dope
Obi wan was just telling my homie Yoda "that boys our only hope"
Keep your show tickets cause I'm gonna be mixin on Naboo
I gots a new rap thats got Lobot talkin’ cause that's just how I do

y'know it!


M.C. Ginnis wrote:


Damn McGruff...you just took a bite out of me. Crunk flow kid...crunk flow.


I'm all about keeping it real in the SW universe
and I don't even need a day to go home and rehearse
So peep my styles, and hear my flow
I'm the #1 selling action figure made by HASBRO

My flow is just sick, my beats are slammin
The Cantina Band just called, they want to start jammin
From Endor to Yavin, I'm the one with the raps
Some suckahs try to follow but they fall in to my traps

Oh shit, "I've got a bad feeling about this"
My lighting rhymes will strike you down like Lord Sideous
I'm the most notorious bounty rapper since DJ Fett
My words are so smooth they get Leia all wet

I punk Stormtroopers sometimes just for fun
Last night I broke Han's record for the fastest Kessel run
My show is sold out but I saved you a ticket
If you can find two more, you can bring Logray and Wicket

DJ Force-out






-----Original Message-----
From: Damon J Barron [mailto:kenobimail@*****.com]
Sent: Wednesday, March 02, 2005 9:17 AM
To: M.C. Ginnis
Subject: RE: Web link


Damn Skippy, yo shit is smooth!

Get yo papers and take some notes, cause yous bout ta get schooled.
The only difference is ima keep it real with a Star Wars feel.

And it goes a little sumpin like this...

I'm like the Star Wars movies, I'm talkin to the masses
My rhymes are like a clone army kicking some droid asses
My beats are like Max Rebo when I start a ruckuss
Shootin down wanksters like the bounty hunter Zuckuss

Don't waste your time chillin wit da Phantom Menace
You best jump in yo speeder and get straight to da dentist
Your nose looks like a Wampa slapped you all over da place
Get yo ass outta da cantina "My friend doesn't like your face"

You think yo shit is fly like Han Solo’s boy Lando
but you blew up like the Death Star and look like Marlon Brando
Just like the sucka Greedo your eyes are far apart
Gotta neck like Hammerhead and breath like a Bantha fart

Choke your wife like Padme'? Yo I would never hurt her
Now take your ass to town and get me some power converters
I try use my Star Wars skills for good cause I'm no fighter
But step into my trench and get handled like Biggs Darklighter

Action, Adventure, a Jedi needs not these things
Now your getting schooled, see what a challenge brings?
Don't flow with the Darkside cause I aint tryin ta hear it
Lets all get along like Anakin, Obi wan and little Yoda's spirit

Booyah! How ya like me now!


M.C. Ginnis wrote:


Shoot playuh...you ain't messin. Your flow just rolled my ass!


I'm sure you think that your rhymes are out to scare
But much like your scalp, that shit is just bare
No worries kid, you can learn from the Jedi-master
Still got those poisonous Sith zits? Whatta F'n disaster!
Look'n like you got shot in the face with a Stormtrooper's blaster

Womp-rat moles just chillin on your neck
Tits resting on your shoes...man, get your shit in check!
Patches of hair on your head like a toy poodles
Yo big-ass lips make you look like Sy Snootles

Your knee is all whack when I hear it pop, snap and crack
You're like take-a-part C3PO chillin in Chewy's back-pack
Don't trip playuh, that's just a sign of getting old
I'll wrap some wires around your knee...then dip that shit in gold

Jigga what?






-----Original Message-----
From: Damon J Barron [mailto:kenobimail@*****.com]
Sent: Tuesday, March 01, 2005 3:30 PM
To: M.C. Ginnis
Subject: RE: Web link


Straight trippin yo! Is you a convict? cause you is breakin out!

Let me start a little sumpin like this...


M. Skywalkers rhymes could never really harm me
Im like the Jedi council and he's just a Gungan army
His flow is like Sarlaac, by that I mean the pits
They're sloppy like Yoda's stew and give me the shits

Make fun of my dope looks? Yo what's your beef?
Y'know the Ewoks can use your toes to play music on your teeth!
Don't get mad like the Sith at all the rhymes that I spray
It ain't my fault your mugs jacked and you look like Nute Gunray

See here
I've been down with the force since before you were born
Now my skills is raping you like intergalactic porn
Old School Leia and New school Pame' is my dish
You act like your really Anakin, HA! You wish!

Your frontin all hard like your Jabba the hutt
but your skills smell like they fell outta tauntauns butt
I stand tall like Wookies way up in the trees
when you found out about Wattos dick did it hurt your knees?

I called you out not even usin my jedi master power
left you in my bantha tracks, you best go take a shower
I'm out Like Ep III, so go cover your nose with oil
looks like it's been cooking in the double sun on Tattoine soil

bullidat



M.C. Ginnis wrote:


Damn homie...your rhyme is a crime. That shit is lethal yo.


My rhymes roll just like a sandcrawler
Down in Mos Espa, I'm known as the Lyrical Brawler
Just F'n up folks with my words that cut
call me Tenacious Crumb next to Jabba the Hutt

Listen my brutha, I'm Star Wars for life
Dressing up like Anakin and strangling my wife
Still playing with SW toys up in my tub
Dancing around naked singing the Ewok "yub nub"

Ben's my boy, just bustin’ your balls
Your dome is horny and bare, just like Darth Mauls
What's up with your nose all fat and slick
Looks like Watto's big green slimy dick
If you ask around the streets, I'm the one who said it
Your nose isn't worth one Republic credit

The two suns have set, there goes another day
Just get'n my rap on...in a galaxy far, far away

DJ Crunk-out



-----Original Message-----
From: Damon J Barron [mailto:kenobimail@*****.com]
Sent: Tuesday, March 01, 2005 1:09 PM
To: M.C. Ginnis
Subject: RE: Web link


Damn G, your ryhmes got me buggin!

Ok, peep this yo...

Unh, unh...

The war ends when you feel my Jedi rap spank
You'll be left dizzy swimming in a bacta tank

See, my rhymes aren't from the darkside all fulla hate
They just flow with the force so you can groove like IG-88
Step up to me you'll be left bandaged like Dengar
Cause my rhymes is fly like a tie fighter out the hangar

Owen calls Ben crazy cause he don't know what to do
Now he's smokin like cigars right next to aunt Beru
Lukes lucky Kenobi wants to train him on Han's ship
Coulda left him crying on Tattooine feeling like a drip

Leia says "help me obi wan, your my only hope"
Would Kenobi have seen this without R2? The answer?..NOPE
3PO and R2 get caught by the Jawas in the sand
Han and Chewie are in the cantina chillin wi da band

You'd think A NEW HOPE is where it had begun
But 25 years later G-money Lucas busts out Episode I
Treat these words like the force and always keep them with you
If you aren't busted with my ryhmes like a broken R2-D2


audi 5000



M.C. Ginnis wrote:


Ahhh...shnapps!! Props on the Slave 2 line...

This battle is raging, I can hear your scream
As I pull you in with my rhyme tractor beam

Ben went running with Yoda at his side
Left him in the swamp, then went to Tatooine to hide
Sucka just sat there getting all crusty and sick
when he could have been fighting, helping the Republic

Lars called him crazy, I think he was right
Living in a dirt cave, not wanting to fight
Luke rolls by and gives him a kick in the pants
Takes his lightsaber and shows him how to dance

I'm not a Ben hater, he was Leia's only hope
Until Luke came around and smoked the Empire like it was dope
Don't worry DJB, there's plenty of force to go around
I'm the Jedi battle champion, weighed pound for pound


-----Original Message-----
From: Damon J Barron [mailto:kenobimail@*****.com]
Sent: Tuesday, March 01, 2005 11:41 AM
To: M.C. Ginnis
Subject: RE: Web link


Thems is some dope gumby fresh skills B!

miggidy miggidy mike check, check it...

Lets get the war started, my ryhmes are my battallion
my raps shine brighter than Luke and Han's medalions!

I'm gonna blast off faster than the Slave I do
Don't fall prisoner to my skills our you'll be a Slave 2
Obi wan's tighter than slave girl Leia's bra
Scooped up Yoda and took him to Dagobah

Call Kenobi a fag? what? how could you?
Don't be mad 'cause Anakin is poo doo
Even as a spirit y'know Obi wan's the man
Unlike Vader, he’s still got both of his hands


Ben Kenobi and his saber is always on the ball
Cutting down suckas like they were Darth Maul
I hope Ep III will turn out pretty groovy
But we all know Empire is the better movie

Holla



M.C. Ginnis wrote:


Shizamm...yo shit is scorching hot!

Yo, check this...

I'm prepared for battle, my rhyme is my weapon
Marc Skywalker's in the house, so you best get to steppin

Everyone knows that Yoda's the real master
Obi-Wan's gay, see him hugging Dex Jaster?

My little green homie saved Anakin and Ben
And in Episode III, I'm sure he'll do it again
Jumping and flipping...no saber shines brighter
with his right hand alone, moved Luke's X-Wing fighter

When Ben got punked, Yoda completed Luke's training
For your average green midget, that shit would be draining
But Yoda just chilled deep in Luke’s back-pack
Thanks to his skills, the Empire will never strike back

crunk-out



-----Original Message-----
From: Damon J Barron [mailto:kenobimail@*****.com]
Sent: Tuesday, March 01, 2005 10:38 AM
To: M.C. Ginnis
Subject: RE: Web link

Mad props on the last line yo!

1,2,1,2...

Prepare for battle, your about to get tore up
Just call me Death Star, cause I'm about to blow up

wicket,wicket,wicket

The Skywalker gene ain’t even that tight
Didn't anyone teach Anakin how to fight?
Slashing and pushing with all of the force
Is Obi-wan the baddest jedi, well of COURSE!

wicket,wicket,wicket

Nobody in the Empire is darker than Palpatine
Even my dawg Lando is the color of Ovaltine
Luke, Han, Leia and Chewie in the trash smelling like B.O.
All them peeps get saved by the goldie C3 to the PO

wicket,wicket,wicket

Jabba's got Leia on a chain so he can spank her
Straigh punked Luke and threw him to the Rancor
Luke wanted to roll wit da jedi like his father
Obi wan is the greatest so he shouldn't even bother

wicket,wicket,wicket

yup yup



M.C. Ginnis wrote:


Sorry, I was busy w/ appointments yesterday.

tight...tight.

Obi Wan's weak...lost all control
now Anakin is Vader, Empire swallowing the Republic whole
Damn old fool! If he would just kept that kid in check
Ben would still be here and Anakin wouldn't be hi-tech

Luke's the shit and proved the bloodline is strong
Slicing up fools faster than you smoke the bong
lopped off his pops hand with just one chop
Then Vader tossed the Emperor over the top

The galaxy is saved because of Skywalker muscle
Luke never gave in to the Emperor's hustle
Now everybody's dancing to the bricka bricka dawn
With my homeboys Chewy, Lando and Han

Nooch


OH NO HE DIDN'T! This battle is too fierce and off the hizzy! Can you believe the carnage when 2 M.C.'s get busy?! Don't even think about bootlegging it either, I already gots it trademarked and shit!

Chilly "D"