Shrinky Dinks...

Yesterday I had the distinct pleasure of meeting with my shrink to discuss what's new and happenin with me. I had the day off of work yesterday (I decided i needed an extra day of vacation and called in) and didn't do much except stay home and relax. I hadn't eaten all day and was getting pretty hungry. My appointment wasn't until 5:45pm and it was only 3:45pm so I didn't know if I could hold off until then. My plan was to go to my appointment and then get some grub on my way back. Why I plan these things out like this I don't know. Around 4pm I crack and call my shrink to see if I can go earlier. The receptionist there is a little cutie pie and for some reason she loves chatting on the phone with me and equally enjoys my visits to the office. She tells me to come on in and that she would put my file ahead of everyone else's. Normally I would feel like I was getting some sort of hook-up, but considering this is where I go to get meds for anxiety it's not something I'll be bragging about to strangers.

The reason I go at such a late time is mainly because I go right after work. After dealing with traffic I make it to his office around 5:30-6pm and I'm usually the last appointment. Of the day. This was the first time I had gone in earlier. What a treat it turned out to be! Like I said earlier, I had the day off so I was looking pretty schlubby. I had been on vacation and when I'm on vacation I don't usually shave and have been known to cruise around with bed head. I still shower and wear clean clothes, but still look like a degenerate regardless. I had my usual uniform of a t-shirt, shorts, sneakers and a hooded sweatshirt on yet I made it look good! Aww yeah. I walk into the office like I'm a regular at a local bar and say my hellos to my little dream machine behind the counter. I take a seat and notice the other "patients". I knew I was in Orange and at my doctors office, but if I hadn't known that I would have sworn I was in the green room of the Maury Povich show. The show where troubled kids get sent to boot camp.

The first person I see is this teenage girl who was dressed like she just got out of some hip-hop street fight to get to her doctor's Appointment. She had a bunch of black shit around her eyes, a greasy bun shoved into a dirty scrunchie, a sweatshirt that was 4 sizes too big for her and was hanging off her shoulders, a tank top that left her belly exposed, baggy dirty white pants and big gangsta kicks that appeared to be made of marshmallow. She was all pissy looking and biting her nails while trying to sit in the fetal position in her chair. Her moms was by her side and was your typical "waspy" type lady. Conservative short hair style, big round plastic framed glasses and plain colored leggings and t-shirt combo. I could already see the chemistry these two had together. If you closed your eyes you could just hear the young princess filling her mom's ear with endearing terms like "FUCK YOU! IF YOU WANT TO SEE A SHRINK THEN YOU GO!" "GOD! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH? WE WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING! HE WAS JUST SITTING ON MY BED! I HATE YOU!" and the mom would reply with "Say what you want, but we're still going to see the doctor tomorrow" or "I know you do, but you'll thank me later". The evening would wind down with angry girl doing some baby talk and snuggling up with Mom's on the couch as they both watch "American Idol".

I'm only looking at the girl for a second when I turn my gaze to the mother who saw me glancing at her precious and gives me this look like I was violating her daughter with my eyes. Really, she just looks absolutely disgusted with me. To be honest It caught me a little off guard and I almost chuckled because if she only knew what I was thinking she'd know she was way off the mark. The doctor calls them in and the girl gets up like she is being moved by puppet strings and amazingly zombie walks all the way to the office with her eyes rolled up. The mom follows right behind.

Once they leave I realize there is another cat sitting across the waiting room.

This guy looked like he was in his late 20's but he was fidgity like a young kid. He kept rubbing his hands together like he desperately needed to touch something and tapping his feet at the same time. He was dressed pretty basic - khaki pants, oversized t-shirt and clunky tennis (like the ones you can get at Mervyn's or something). At one point he looks over to a small table and picks up one of the many brochures they have on different types of psych. drugs. He mumbles out loud, "Free Samples...hmm mmmph...ask your doctorrrr..." then gives a look on his face like he's satisfied and puts the brochure back. Shortly after this the Mother and Child reunion come out of their brief meeting with the shrink and Angry Hip-hop stomps out of the office while her mom just smiles at the receptionist and pays her co-pay. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for her visit I think to myself. The doctor then calls in the fidgity guy. Again I wish I could have been a fly on the wall.

As the guy is walking to the office he reaches up and taps his fingers on the doorway he is walking through. As soon as he gets out sight...he runs back in and taps the top of the doorway another 3 times?! I guess you can add OCD to whatever he was there for too. This made me smile for some reason and I felt like I had missed out on all the other times I had appointments and never got witness the madness that goes on there. No sooner do I finish this bit of pondering when all of the sudden another person walks in. This time it's this skinny lady with curly hair past her shoulders and wearing jeans and long sleeve sweater type shirt. At first she seems perfectly normal but then she speaks. Her movements were a little robotic, but I figured she could have been in an accident or something so I shouldn't really pay attention to that. The receptionist greets her and when she replies she talks in a slow manner and makes quick eye contact and then quickly turns her gaze elsewhere while still talking. She was probably one of those really shy girls who gets nervous at first then violent and starts crying about weird shit like being out of snack packs or something. This one makes me feel bad though because she doesn't seem angry nor does she seem all hyper like the guy who just took off with the doctor. She just had problems. She was talking about release forms or something when Nutty McCuckoo comes out of the doctors office with the energy of a kid who just got to the McDonald Land Playground.

As the girl follows the doctor to his office Tom Arnold lite is making his next appointment. Some of the highlights of his talking to receptionist were: when she asks what day he would like to come in he replies with "well, um, I can only come in on Monday or Thursday...WAIT, I can come in on Tuesdays too. Mondays, Tuesday, Wednesdays and Thursday are ok days. I can come in those days"
I was honestly sitting in anticipation to see if that darn "Friday" was going to get a shout out too. Alas, it didn't.
The other gold nugget was when he realized he didn't get a certain prescription refill. He was explaining to the receptionist that the doctor must have forgot and if the doctor was going to be in with his patient a while because he wanted to ask him some questions. The receptionist tries to explain to him that he had 2 refills and still had one refill left so he didn't need another refill. He wasn't having it though. He then starts to explain to her where maybe the situation got mixed up, "uh...I don't think so. Remember last time I was in and the doctor touched my shoulder and said "you have refills for this medication" and I remember I wasn't sure I understood him. Now that think of it maybe he told me something else. Maybe if I talk to him he can remember. But I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to have another refill?" At this point I notice that the receptionist (who's top of her head and eyes are all I can see from where she was sitting) darts a look my way that clearly says "will someone shut this fucking guy up" and I hide a snicker into my fist. The she drops a bomb. "I don't know what the doctor said last time, but I do remember he told you that he wasn't going to keep refilling your prescription because you weren't following the dosage rules and taking more than two at a time!"
"Huh...maybe. I think I'll wait to talk to the doctor anyway. Ralphs might not have my pills in stock and if he gives me my prescription I need to let them know to get it..."
The receptionist just smiles and tells him ok. At this point I realized that getting my folder bumped up in front of everyone didn't seem to be happening, but I didn't really care because I was well entertained. Robo-chick and the doctor come out and Nutrageous jumps to his feet and is all over the doctor with his gibberish and questions. Dr. Streetfighter slaps him down pretty quick and send him on his way. I wasn't sure the guy was going to leave because when he got to the door he stopped, turned back toward the doctor but then shook his head and walked out.

"DAMON?" I finally hear the doctor call out, even though I'm the only one left in the lounge. I'm still smiling and walk with the doctor to his office. He asks how I'm doing. "Oh I'm alright. Boy, I never really waited in the office while you had some many patients waiting before. You get some crazy folks running around here don't you?!"
"Oh...sometimes yes" as he gives a little laugh.
"soo Damon, what have you been up to..."
As I start to ramble on and keep him up to date on what I've been doing reality hits me like a blacksmith strikes an anvil. He does see some kooky people indeed.

DJB