The Fresh Prince of Hot Air...

Here is a story that seems to be a favortie amongst some friends and other peeps. Now the guy we are talking about is an ULTRA annoying co-worker, yet I still find myself unable to be mean to him. Maybe this is why I am stressed out all the time...or at least that's what my shrink says. Well, he took over this one broads position here in my office and ever since day 1 he has been a "big baller, shot caller". Only thing is, this guy is so full of crap he looks like a shit sausage!

In the brief tale you'll see the term FGB, this stands for FAT GUY BREATH. This is when robust folk can't even tie their shoes without coming up for air like they were free divers or something. Pardon the type-o's as well, I wrote it up in a rush. Enjoy!

DJB

>>> Damon Barron 01/24/05 01:10PM >>>
Sooo...

The week Kara and Pepper were off kicking up their vacation heels I get stuck in the office by myself. Actually, I wasn't alone. The other "regulars" were: Lynne Dingle Berry, John Guacamole, Stellar Gorilla and Boss Lady Cathi. I felt like I was in an obstacle on Double Dare running through all the padded obstacles only to land face first in the smelly suprise and find out I was a loser! The one thing missing were a fresh pair of REEBOKS! Anyhoochie, on the last day I notice it is quiet, CREEPY quiet and everyone went to lunch except for Sgt. Pepper Belly and myself. Then I had a mental jolt that almost made me leave a silver dollar pee stain on my pantalones. No one is in the office except for John and I. Could there be a chance that I was get hit up for "lunch plans"?! I could already see the shimmy in his chins as he asks me my lunch plans and...AWW SHIT! HE WAS WADDLING OVER!
FGB "What up?" (as his little t-rex arms still bounce slightly from trek over to the other side of the cublicles)
"oh...hey. Not much, just doing some work" (what the hell are those dark splotches on his face all about?! He looks like a bruised Avocado)
FGB "...whatchoo got goin for lunch today?" (insert another FGB and in place fat kid bounce here)
"oh, uh...nothing?"
Now you see here is the dilemma. This isn't the first time Chubbas has invited me to watch him shove food in his gullet, no, he ALWAYS asks me! I just made it a habit to always find something to do. This time wasn't going to be any different...until scruples kicked in. Well, scruples and logic at least. If I accepted his invite than I was good for at least another 2 months before I had to indulge again. I had to bite the bullet and there was no getting around it. ESPECIALLY because we were the only ones in the office. Belive me, I would have rather played strip poker with Stella while jerking my privates with hand full of broken glass, but alas I had to do what I had to do.
"Well, you want to go grab a bite!?" (grab a bite...I hate that expression. More so when bruised faced fat guys throw it around)
"...sure. How about In-n-out? I haven't eaten there in a while" (which was true, but only becuase In-n-out burgers have a knack for almost making shit myself inside out. Mom's had hooked me up with some certificates for the baby Jesus's birfday though so instead of spending my own money on unwanted lunch companions it seemed like an even wash)
"SURE! That's sounds aight! Whenever your ready let's roll!" (brother, you are rolling every time your tits shake as you brush your teeth!)
"...ok...let's go now I guess"

We start our trek to the garage and he offers to drive...HIS MOM'S CAR!!! Really. I suddenly remember that I had gone to lunch with Fat Chance before, and he drove then too! The only reason I uh-member is because he had the gall to throw on some Metallica and start head banging! No shit. He thought we were on our way to our first high school party or something. I'm sure to some bystander looking into the g-ride it looked like an air bag with an old bruised pumpkin shaking on top of it. Oh no, that's just the sight of a true ROCKER! Anywayoffthesubject, we get into mom's taxi and head toward In-n-out. Somehow or another the story gets to what plans we have set for new years. I pretty much tell him that I don't have any major plans, I also realize it isn't about what I had planned either. The question was really just an intro to tell me about what action packed plans he had with his posse. Sure enough he starts to tell me about his plans. It pretty much involves going to hang out in Old Town Pasadena and not having any reservations anywhere in particular so more than likely ending up at some bar where texicans and people kicked out of shelters drown their sorrows. WITH A FAT GUY no less! It's always worse when you end up somewhere crappy and have a hyper fat guy as your sidekick. "Hey! If your plans fall through, you should roll out with us!?"
"Naw, If my plans don't work out I'm going to cover my neck with lunch meat, lie on my back and let the dogs gnaw away. Hopefully they get my juggular before I run out of meat!" Just kidding, I didn't tell him that.
"I'll probably just stay home. Thanks for the invite though"
(Insert awkward silence and me looking out the window like everything is OH so interesting here)
"Soo...you gonna meet up with any ladies there?" I ask.
"(FGB) I got this lady friend that I'm seeing coming along"
"REALLY?!" Now I hadn't intended my reply to sound like I just found out I won the lottery, but I was caught off guard.
"Yeah, were going to get a room down there so I can get as messed up as I want and then let the girlie take care of me after we get our party on!"
"Really?! Is uh...your girl cute?" Really now, how can you not assume the girl is going to be some weird proportioned cha-cha girl with bad dyed hair (maybe a sideways ponytail) and a face that looks like a bee stung it after waking up from sleeping face down in a bucket of pine cones.
"YEAH! She's VERY cute, she just has a lot of baggage..."
"oh..." Yeah, I'm pretty sure she's not cute
"We just hook up once in a while and she doesn't expect anything and I don't either so it's perfect. If she didn't have so much baggage maybe I'd consider more, but she's all messed up"
Hmm, "cute" girl who hangs out with robust hombre and his pals on new years, throws him a little boot knockin because she is horny AND just ignores the fact that he lives with his moms. Yeah, she might have problems. Plus, you know she isn't cute.

It's about now that I can't help getting the visual of a huge bruised face fat guy who probably has so many stretch marks around his belly and armpits that it looks like a bobcat attacked him while he was naked laying on some poor girl while filling her ear with erotic FGB's. And I'm supposed to go eat a burger after this little exchange?! Shit.

We finally get to in-n-out and I'm pleased to see there are many hot young girls getting themselves an ass bomb burger. "heeeey..." AWW JESUS AND BABY JESUS! John see's them too. Now after being put on the verge of nausea by hearing him talking about his lady friend I have to be subjected to his flirting! You know how in movies where they have pedophiles and they are about to take their young victims it makes you cringe? You sit and watch KNOWING the guy is creepy and the kids should just stay away but there is nothing you can do? Well, this is what watching Big Pimpin flirt with girls is like. Naturally being the co-pilot puts me in the position where I have to just shrug my shoulders and give a crooked grin when the poor girl throws me a "who the fuck is this fat bastard talking too! OH MY GOD! It's me!" look.

As we mozy on toward the door two skanky looking broads are approaching the entrance at the same time as us. Big Boy charges right up and opens the door. I just stride right in and leave the girls and Cassanova behind. The girls are on their way into line when FGB's make their way out of John's mouth as he tells them "Sorry ladies, I'll hold the door open for you, but your still gonna have to wait behind us in line!" He proceeds to shimmy his tits with his own laughter not realizing he's the only one laughing. I just turn quickly and act like i've never seen the menu before and don't know what to get. Finally we get to the register and as I open my mouth to give my order Grimace decided to speak first. "Hey Cassy, how your day going today?"
She looks to me, I give a baffled look and she replies, "ok, thanks"
"Just ok?!"
"...um, yeah"
"Well, I hope your day gets better Cassy. I'll have a number one!.." I quickly blurt out so we can cut out the cutesy fat guy shit. She seems relieved and I walk away to let John order.

As our number gets called Chubasaurus Wreck looks out for a couple of seats. It's pretty packed and people are holding seats for whomever they're there with so the pickins is slim. Finally two counter seats open up and we grab them. Chinnigans looks over to a booth and starts making some weird gestures with his hands to someone. I look past the planter and notice he's doing it to some asian lady sitting by herself obviously waiting for someone. "What the hell are you doing?!"
"Oh, I was just messing with her asking if she wanted to switch with us"
"..." I just shake my head and hand him his feast.

For having such little arms thrown on his sides it's almost disturbing to watch them hold food up to his mouth. The average person can carry the food up to their mouth and take a bite, but if you have a body the size of the epcot center and arms the size of to small loaves of bread you have to do things a little different. I noticed his head and his arms have a "meet me half-way" deal going on. El Gigante would move his head toward his armpit and then move his hand towards his armpit and POW! large ravenous bites would ensue. It was also amusing how he would tear up his food when it was near his mouth but when it was on the tray he touch it like it was a delicate fabrage' egg, giving the impression he was a delicate eater. Uh, no. He even pulled that lick his finger crap after a few bites too! Gross.

The real kicker was after lunch and the trek back to the office he gives me a high five (well, a low five really...I detest high fives and refused to raise my hands) while he headed for the crapper. I'll leave those visuals to your imagination. (FGB's and all)

THE MAN HIMSELF

the resemblence is uncanny ain't it?

DJB