Killing-Fucking-Chickens put on their shit "Kickers", A week-day review...

FOOD:


I like to think of myself as a veteran of fine foods and I'm not afraid to try different kinds of eats. This being the case I found myself unable to avoid the lure of KFC's new chicken "Kickers". I had seen commercials for this sandwich and from what the commercial portrays, it's a delectable, nicely portioned, juicy piece of breaded chicken incased in a roll with lettuce and sauces. When eaten with a group of friends it provides more fun and laughs than a midget orgy, or so the commercial has you believe. Well, I like chicken! I like friends! I like to eat with friends and laugh hysterically until chicken chunks fly out of my mouth and tears run down my cheeks! PLUS they were only 99 cents! Looks like KFC had a custom made sandwich just for me and I wasn't about to let them down by not trying it!

After a long day at the office I ended up carpooling with a friend I like to call "Starving!" I had a meager lunch and Starving asked if he could have a ride home at the end of the day. "Of course!" I say, then I unlock the passenger door to let Starving in and away we go.

Starving had the idea to try the new KFC Kicker and who was I to argue. After a brief exchange with the youth of today on the drive through speaker I order two Kickers (one for me and one for Starving). As Starving and I roll towards the drive-thru we wonder if the little fucker in the window jizzed in our French rolls before sliding in those big juicy chicken breasts. Starving doesn't seem to mind so neither do I. As Francisco hands us our bag of treats I notice the extra long pony tail he has and wonder how long the strands take to dissolve after they fall in the hot oil?

Starving and I decide to consume our sammiches at my apartment, seeing as how I lived so close to KFC and all. I reach into the bag and try to keep the drool in my mouth while doing so. HUH? Starving and I were puzzled at what we pulled out of the bag. Instead of two big juicy sandwiches I pulled out two foil wrapped balls the size of a poodle's head! WHAT THE FU...! We unwrap our small items (that were obviously put in our bag by mistake) and anger mixed with depression set it. These WERE our Kickers! Right dab in the middle of the wrapping was an old baby shoe filled with lettuce and a chicken strip?! I picked up the little fucker and it really was smaller than the palm of my hand. Starving was a bit disappointed, but I assured him that perhaps they were just small in size and BIG in taste?! Since it was Starvings big idea to get these things I demanded Starving satisfy his craving first. Biting into the first bite Starving is instantly disappointed. Out of sheer hunger, Starving finishes the rest of the morsel and abruptly leaves! Sitting alone and feeling lower than an ants nut sack I try to finish my sandwich. Damn that Starving for making me go to KFC!

The bun on the sammich is soggy. I believe this is from being partially filled with warm mayonnaise, funky lettuce and then getting sealed up in foil wrap. The chicken strip is about the size of a puppy turd, and I can imagine just as tasty. I throw half of it away and was a bit surprised the trash can didn't throw it right back! Not only was the satisfaction of a good meal nil, but I could feel my butthole quivering like the lip of a crying child. This food was obviously conjured up by Satan himself.

KFC Kickers- *Star. Avoid at all costs.

DJB