Getting Hitch-ed, I’m so SAW-ree and sneaking a peek at Che’s “diaries”. The Week-end Review Round-up…

MOVIES:

Hitch

Before the badgering starts, let me explain why I even saw this flick. It’s easy actually…MOVIE PASSES! Movies Passes are like a blessing from the Pope and pretty much allow you to see any movie without feeling the guilt of spending money on it, which brings us to our review of "Hitch".

I’m no Will Smith hater and I actually enjoy some of his movies. I think one of the main reasons I don’t like watching him in movies where he is playing a slick good-looking ladies man for over an hour and a half is Jada Pinkett Smith. Knowing that if this movie is a smash we are going to have to suffer seeing her ugly mug on the television machine getting all sista-girl "Uh-huh, my man know’s how to BRING it!" to everyone who asks her if Will is anything like the character he plays just gets me so mad I want to punch a baby! Uh, back to the review.

The movie starts off with "Hitch" talking to the camera explaining how he helps goofy guys get the girls of their dreams. Talking to the audience is a tricky set up, it either works or it doesn’t (a good example is "Ferris Bueller’s Day Off". That is looking into the camera perfection). In the case of "Hitch" it’s ok, it doesn’t bother you but you also don’t need to see 5 foot tall Will Smith head all up in your grill. They could have panned back a little. The "losers" they show pining after the apples of their eyes are a little hard to believe. Most of the ladies are really good looking and the guys are your stereo-type geeks, but they have hearts of gold and that’s all that matters…right? It’s a basic intro in the character and the plot so it gels.

After all this is established we get the intro in the main lady of the movie, Eva Mendes. To be honest I don’t recall what her name was in the movie? This might say something eh? She waltzes around New York and into her work building with the kind of confidence that lets you know she is an example of today’s woman - confident, successful, smart and all while being able to keep up the sexy factor! YOU GO GIRL! She works for a gossip magazine and is such a work horse that she comes back from vacation EARLY just to get back to what she does best. Her job. I don’t know if I don’t care for her character in the movie or her as an actress. I used the think she was the bee's knees when say her full on buck naked in "Training Day" but most of that was because she knew how to work 80’s muff. After getting a good glimpse of her from media spots and in this movie… I no like her so good! That’s just my opinion though and if you feel different please let me know so I can smash your face in and kick your jaw shut for disagreeing.

So far we learn, Hitch = Loveable guy we all wish we could be like, Eva Mendes = Tough career driven toothy broad who doesn’t have time for love. Hmm, wonder where this plot is going?
Funny thing about this flick is that they cover all bases. Right after you start to wonder how in the hell Hitch lives so lavishly you find out he is a consultant. I guess I can’t get into too many examples of what I’m talking about now that I think of it because it would spoil the movie for you. But know that they do a good job of trying to fill in any holes in the story.

Now we meet Kevin James’s character, Ken. I think it’s Ken? He is a financial advisor for a rich heiress, whom he happens to be in love with too! Ahh, the plot thickens! Now what would a fat schlub like Ken do to ease his aching heart and get him some Heiress lovin? Why gets himself some HITCH! Duh. This another point of the movie where you might think "Man, that hitch will help anyone out won’t he?!" Oh no he don’t! Now we see Hitch meet up with this smarmy guy who claims he needs Hitch’s help scoring a chick he met so he can "bang" her. SAY WHAT!? Hitch don’t roll that way people and he lets the guy know that he helps people get into relationships not easy lays. The hombre gets irritated and tries to get tough with Hitch but he gots another thing coming. Hitch grabs the guys arm and slams him into a table telling him nice guy crap while looking tough the whole time. Kudos’s to you Hitch, always looking out for the ladies!

To be honest, the movie was rather amusing in the beginning and all of the sudden WHAM! It get’s preachy and cheesy. Cheesier than the back of Jerry Hall’s legs! Hitch comes off as an alright guy in the beginning of the flick but by the middle and near the end of the movies you just want to give him a heart felt "OK! I GET IT! SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" Eva Mendes in even more annoying as the movie progresses too. Her tough chick crap gets old and she is such a drama queen you just don’t care about her. On top of all this, she goes and screws Hitch and Ken over in a shitty way by writing some B.S. in her gossip mag. After she is proven wrong and everyone is reserving their rooms in Heartbreak Hotel she tries to get her back some Hitch. But she never writes a retraction or even apologizes to the other people she just F’d over! I swear it made you just want to choke a bitch.

The movie ends on a positive note, not to mention that the end is the funniest part of the whole flick. I won’t say much about it except this. I LOVE A GIRL WHO CAN DO THE ROBOT WITH EASE! Seriously, if any of you ladies out there can pull off a wicked robot I think there is a good chance we might be getting married and screwing like wild monkeys! Well, you’d have to be cute too…sorry. Kevin James is also good stuff. He is the new funny fat guy for 2005 and I’m sure he’ll be making more flicks soon. I say this movie will translate better when it premiers on STARZ or some cable channel like that.

Hitch- ***Stars. One star was for the chick doing the robot. I think I love her.



SAW

What a piece of shit. Really, I’m not even going to beat around the bush on this one. I would have been better off drinking a tall glass of milk and then squatting over my DVD player to drop a load in the disc tray. (I’m lactose intolerant by the way) I’m a HUGE fan of scary movies and psychological thrillers so I was pretty excited to see this movie. What a kick in the gooch it turned out to be. This is one of those movies that is riding it’s success from the last 10 minutes of the movie. People stir in boredom during the first ¾ of the movie and then when the last minutes happen it’s so good that they forgot the majority of the movie sucked. Well friends, I remembered! Even after 10 beers and the last of the medical maryjane I knew it sucked! I was even sober by the end credits.

This movie starts of with some guy waking up in bathroom so gross you’d think he was in an Asian restaurant. He’s pretty beat up looking , barefoot and chained by his ankle to a pipe! This cat is played by Cary Elwes (from Princess Bride fame) and eghads has he aged! I don’t think it’s so much that he’s aged badly as much as it’s the fact that I was a teenager when Princess Bride came out. Well if you do the math that was some time ago and the years were not friendly to Mr. Elwes…and I too am older and jaded. Cary hears someone else in the room and scrambles around finding a light. When the lights come on you see there is another guy across the room who is also chained to a pipe by his ankle. They both look at each other and then freak out because in between the space across the room and them is a body with a pool of blood coming out his head and a gun in his hand. Puzzled and scared they find that each of them has a tape in their pocket with "play me" written on it. This is where the movie lets us know there is a killer involved!

Enter Dannys Glovers and the Asian guy who kidnaped the little girl in "Rush Hour". I don’t know his name, but he’s Asian and has yellow hair in that movie. In this one he has black hair and is Dannys Glovers padna! They are cops who are investigating a lead on a killer…THE SAME KILLER WHO HAS LOCKED UP BOTH OF THE GENTLEMEN IN THE DIRTY RESTAURANT BATHROOM! Sca-wee. It was at this point I decided to fix myself a taco and have another beer.

The movie goes back to the two fellas who’re locked up and they each have a series of flashbacks that tell a little bit about their backgrounds and why they might have been chosen by the killer. They also play the tape where the killer, in his deep killer voice, tells Cary that he has to kill the other guy. The other guy (again, I can’t remember his name) is jipped because his tape just says "don’t get killded!" After a few flashbacks the film makers let you know that Cary is a doctor who’s being watched by the fuzz, the other chained up palooka was a photographer hired to trail Cary. Who hired the photographer? THE KILLER! Again, sca-wee. Dannys Glovers character gets a little background flashback which end up taking you to the current Dannys Glovers. I hate to sound redundant, but I can’t get into too much detail with out boring the fuck out of my computer and anything or anyone else who has to read about this shitty movie.

Now that I read about the movie I realize I hated it. I hate it so much writing about it seems beneath me and I’m just going to stop right here! If you absolutely have to see this movie then do so, but if you find you are as disgusted with this vile piece of shit like I was then just forward to the last few minutes of this movie and that’s all you will really need to see. You shouldn’t even feel like you are in the dark on some parts. Perhaps if they added a cute girl doing the robot I wouldn't give such a scathing revue, but since there wasn’t I would have preferred playing Russian roulette in the Hanoi hotel. It really depresses me to know that movies like SAW are what the American audience is eating up. It’s movies like this that make me glad movies like "The Shining" "Silence of the Lambs" and others of this caliber are available on DVD. I know the last part of this review took a nasty profane turn, but it's only due to the fact that my dog just ate some cd's and a remote control...and I hated the movie.

SAW - *Star. A brown star at that.


The Motorcycle Diaries

Right off the bat you should know this is a foreign film. This means it will have sub-titles so if you don’t like to read or are one of those people who say "It’s too much work reading and watching the movie at the same time" then skip this review all together. It wasn’t meant for you. As for the rest of you, read on! This movie was El Caliente!

Basically this movie is a visual diary of the events that took place on a road trip with a young Ernesto Guevara de la Serna (Che' Guevara if you didn't already know) and his friend Alberto Granado. The only stuff I really knew about Che’ is that he was a leader and that he was briefly mentioned in David Bowie’s "Panic in Detroit". (looks a lot like Che’ Guevara, drove a diesel van) This movie, if it’s as accurate as I like to believe, has given me an appreciation for the little guy. It even makes me ignore the fact that he had such terrible facial hair as he got older. I think this is a movie that will be shown in classrooms for the next few years because it doesn’t really only deal with Che’ but it’s also a chronicle of what times were like in South America way back when.
It starts off with young Ernesto leaving with Alberto on a road trip to - I forget - before Alberto's 30th birthday. Now Ernesto's family isn't poor, even by American standards and Ernesto was on his way to finishing medical school to become a doctor. Alberto is already a doctor, actually a biochemist. Alberto shows up on this nice motorcycle and as Ernesto is saying his goodbye's before the trip his mother makes sure to have Alberto promise to look after his son. Just after this Alberto almost smacks him and Ernesto into the side of a bus. But they are ok and on their way. Right away I found myself forgetting it was a foreign film, which sometimes seem kind of low budget and shotty, and was actually easily sucked into the story. Everything about the movie is clean looking and the actors are all so natural in their roles you feel like your just watching things happen in real time.

Ernesto and Alberto are good friends yet they are VERY different in their views of everyday situations. Ernesto, having grown up in a life of privilege, approaches situations and setting like he is out to absorb what life has to offer. Alberto just wants what ever he can get and doesn't care if he has to con people to get it. This is evident in one scene where our two travelers, while looking for shelter and food, end up at a farm with an older gentleman and his wife. Alberto states that hey are two doctors on their way to (I forget the city. SHIT! It was in South America! How am I supposed to remember the names of towns) and working on a cure for a vile bacteria. The old man seems surprised and in an excited manner asks the two if they are really doctors. They both assure him they are and the Old guy asks them to look at a lump on his neck. Alberto doesn't want to ruin the chance of getting free food and lodging so he give it a quick look over and tells the guy it is only a boil and he shouldn't worry about it. Ernest seems a little more curious about the bump and gives it a more thorough inspection. Finally he tells the old man that it's a tumor and he should get it inspected at a hospital quickly. The old man gets a look of worry and fear in his eyes and Alberto see's this so he quickly blurts out "oh, it's only a cyst. It just filled with fluid, no big deal" while throwing Ernesto a "what the fuck are you doing" glance. Ernest ignores Alberto and insists it's a tumor and should be checked out. Finally the old man, who is a bit startled by Ernesto's diagnosis, tells them they can sleep in the barn and fish in the lake for food before storming into his house. Alberto is pissed and goes off on Ernesto about fucking his shit up. Ernest says he can't lie and the old man needed to know. This is early on is in their adventures and you can already see that Ernesto is getting a taste of what the world is really about.

Their trips take them to many locations where they meet many folks, sometimes out of need, sometimes out of chance and sometimes out of scamming. I wont' give up too many details of these accounts but I will touch on when they end up at a leper colony.
Lepers. Holy shit! What a creepy bunch of people. I think they got real lepers for the movie too! It's bad enough lazy eyes and deformities give me the willies, but even if I had to only "act" with an island full of lepers I don't think I'd ever get out of the fetal positions and stop shaking . This is a good part of the movie because by this time you get that Ernesto is slowly becoming Che' and the he'll be an important figure in his later years. There is also a hint of growing with Alberto from the time he has spent with Ernesto and you get the idea he knows Ernesto is going to be somebody special in the coming years.

One of the best things about the movie is the cinematography. The locations are B-U-tiful and if you don't crave taking a no holds bar road trip then you area a fool, or a cripple, either way there is something wrong with you. At the end of the movie they show black and white still shots of all the people that were encountered during Ernesto's and Alberto's travels and what makes them cool is that although they look like black and white photos, they are actually just the people standing still while being filmed. I know I would be the guy who fucked up the whole shot by rocking back and forth so I give kudos to all those who stood still. What made an impact on me was during the final credits. As the credits roll you see the actual pictures Che' and Alberto took while on the road trip the movie was based on. This made me feel like it wasn't all polished Hollywood bull shit and also made me appreciate the real people involved and referenced in the film. Like I mentioned before, I didn't know much about Che' Guevara, but after seeing this movie I will make it a point to read more about him.

The Motorcycle Diaries - ****Stars. SEE IT! NOW DAMN YOU!

DJB