"V" the final battle and Chuck-ing the old boyfriend in the trash...

Last night I decide to go to my good buddy the Redman's house for quality buddy time...and to dump some CD's in my MP3 player. The Redman is a stand up loyal buddy and he has been more and more domesticated by his fiance' in the last couple of years. His fiance', I-huey (pronounced "eee-way", or "Ewok" as I call her), is also a nice lady and what makes her even more amusing is the fact that she is from China. Now I don't mean she is Chinese only, she is authentic 100% Chinese and still new to some of our crappy American culture and customs. Now don't go thinking that the Redman is only marrying his lady to keep her in the country (I already thought that a year ago. It ain't true). It is true love, the kind of true love that makes you sick to your stomach when you are subjected to their cutesy conversation and in your face PDA. I must also mention the little lady that rounds out the trio. She goes by the handle "Ting-ting" and to be frank, I'm not sure if that's her real name or a variation of her real name. Wee little Ting-ting is almost 5 yrs old and from what I've seen, runs soley on yoo-hoo and candy. She even has false teeth already. I think the mind set is "she's going to lose her teeth anyway right?" and I think it's funny she has caps so I don't preach. So there you have it, a little background on last nights gracious hosts.

Seeing as how Ewok is from China this means most of the people she knows out here are from China as well. Some speak good English and some just speak. When these little scamps get together it sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher talking in different octaves. Don't get me wrong, they are sweet as sugar, but you just expect to hear the ringing of a gong after everything they say.

When I finally arrive at the Redman's house he tells me Ewok is going to have some of her friends over. For some reasons mentioned above I was already smiling in anticipation to meet them. I forget the lady's name that arrived first but I do remember that she was 40 years old AND A VIRGIN!!! Just that little chunk of information was enough to blow me away! How in the hell does that even happen?! My mind was racing with questions, "was she cute?" "is she a nun or a monk?" "doesn't she get the horns?" and other questions which I apparently thought out loud. The Redman just chuckled and told me he didn't really know what her deal was (while trying to hide the fact that he was baffled by this enigma as well) and would only say "she's...plain" when asked if she was attractive. I HAD to meet this woman, maybe even help her out (wink wink).

After about a half an hour I hear someone arrive (I was in the spare room downloading CD's) and I realize the moment of truth is at hand. I can even say there was a bit of excitement in knowing that parts of the mystery will finally be solved. "DAMON! Come in the living room" Ewok yells to me and snaps me out of my daydream, "OK" I answer back. I shuffle into the living room in my normal bad posture stride and meet lady "V". I will fess up about being a little disappointed that she wasn't a total knockout, but she was a really shy sweet lady. If you haven't picked up on it yet, I'm really terrible with remembering names...and everything else at times. (See MM review) Since I can't remember it I will refer to her as "V".

V shakes my hand and practically bows while barely making eye contact. Her English isn't very good but she still manages to smile and give a soft spoken "hello". I give a hearty handshake and try to give a non-monotone greeting. I can tell by her body language that she is probably sheltered, very shy and prefers not having long conversations in English. Ewok tells me that V has brought some Chinese food so to grab a plate. V nods her head in agreement. This is also a treat because I knew the food was going to be tasty. Think about it, would a strongly cultured Chinese lady NOT know a good Chinese food place? Shit, I'm 100% white washed Mexican and even I know where to get some dope ass wetback eats! Like I expected, the food was delicious. I know for a fact there was; white rice, gung pow chicken and chow mien. The other stuff could have been rat dicks and hobo buttholes in brown sauce for all I know? Whatever, it was simply divine and maybe it's better I don't know what the other selections were because I had 2 servings. We all sit at the table and as much as the Redman and I tried to make small talk with V we just couldn't make it happen. I honestly believed she wanted to talk with us but was a little self conscious about her English. When I first laid my peepers on the feast spread out on the table I tell her "MMM, where is this from?" she kind of hesitates, then points to herself and says, "where...am I from?" I give a little laugh because I thought it was such an innocent mistake (not to mention I tend to talk like I just recovered from a stroke so this was probably another hurdle for her) and tell her "no, the food" to which she just smiled and looked down at her plate while whispering a soft "oh". I started to really feel kind of down because although she was a little odd, she was a genuinely nice and VERY sheltered person. VERY sheltered. Ewok finally grabs the reigns and starts chatting up a storm with "V" so she isn't left talking to us assholes.

During their conversation Ewok tells me that another of her pals is coming over. Now this girls name was Harriett and was...CHINESE! I had actually heard of this girl before because she was supposedly cute and pretty tall. At some other shin dig E&R had she had been roaming around and I vaguely recall seeing her. I was pretty pickled this night too and from what hazy memories I could conjure up there was a slight vision of cuteness in there somewhere. When her name was dropped by either Ewok or Redman I would ask if she was cute and what her deal was. Ewok would excitedly tell me that I should meet her, where as Redman would say "She's cute...but she could use a little dental work." I usually only take the Redmans criticisms of ladies as half truths and shrug it off. Lady H wasn't coming over for a social visit, or to oogled by goofy Mexican guys. No, Harriett was on her way over to gather up some escorts so she could reclaim some of her goods from MIKODO, the boyfriend she just dumped. (MEE-KOE-DOE! insert drawn out Chinese accent here) Seems Mikodo wasn't quite ready to be dumped and was, what us round-eyes call, FREAKING OUT! He was coming off rather creepy and telling Harriett things like he wouldn't give her her belongings, he wasn't going to let her go and something about chopping her up into little bits and serving her in fried rice to her friends. If it was tasty I wouldn't have minded. Ewok, being the bestest friend that she is, told her to come over and her and the Redman would drive her over to Mocoso's house so she wouldn't get killded.

It seems like quite some time had passed and no Harriett? The night was pouring down water like God had busted a pipe and Ewok seemed a little concerned about her buddy. A little bit of worry later Harriett calls and says she is on her way and nervous about going over to her Ex's house. Ewok assures her everything will be OK and that the Redmans friend was over and he was a big guy so he would go along with them. The friend was me, and if by big guy she meant tall chubby guy with posture like Shaggy from Scooby Doo than she was right on the money. I give her the "what the fuck are you talking about" face and she just waves me down. When she finally gets off the phone she starts to give me some B.S. about "oh, you don't want anything to happen to her do you? You can just stand there. C'mon Damon, pleeease!?" She might have a point I think to myself and after a bit of pondering I tell her "FUCK THAT SHIT! I don't know this girl! AND if she has some nutty boyfriend why would I want to get a cap busted in me?!" The Ewok looks a bit dismayed by this and I cave in. I mean, she did open her house to me and I had a wonderful Chinese dinner compliments of V, so I reluctantly agreed and moped back to my CD copying. As I walk away I see a smirk on the Redmans face and I can actually feel the heel of my shoe wiping it away.

As I sit in the other room "ripping" CD's to my MP3 player I hear some of the banter going on in the living room. At some point during the conversation I hear the Redman ask, "where is Harriett?" and Ewok replies with, "Oh, Chuck is dropping her off"
"Who's Chuck?" the Redman rightfully asks
"That's her new boyfriend, he's dropping her off..." the Ewok quickly blurts out
I feel a sudden burst of nausea and rage over come me as Ewok's last words sink in. HER BOYFRIEND!? CHUCK?! I don't know what was more irritating, that she was playing the sceered ex-girlfriend role knowing she was already hugged up with a new guy, The new guy "Chuck" just dropping her off to fend for herself while she dealt with Nutty McCuckoo, or the fact that an Asian guy was named "Chuck"? Who cared? I jumped out of my seat and power walked into the living room. "Did I just hear you right? Her boyfriend is dropping her off? Why the hell isn't he going with her to her Ex's house? Why am I going to her Ex's house to take Chuck's bullet? Is his name really Chuck?!" The Redman is snickering with amusement while I continue my griping.
"She already has a new guy right? Well no wonder Mikodo is going nuts!"
Ewok- "No, he doesn't know about Chuck. This is why he's not going to go"
"That doesn't make any fucking sense! Guess what? Mikodo don't know shit about Damon either! And I'm not even poking his lady! So why should I go instead of Chuck. Chuck obviously knows about Mikodo so it's only fair he goes!" After this little exchange I hear a couple of soft giggles from V and the Redman throws out a "that's what I'm saying" or something of that nature.

Now I'm peeved and can't wait to meet this Harriett. She had better be some kind of unbelievable cutie if I'm even going to think about joining the carpool to Mikodo's. I go back to my business and after a few mins. I hear a knock at the door followed by two new voices. The sinners had arrived. Right away I get the call from Ewok to meet the two heartbreakers. Quick side note, when Ewok calls out for me when her company arrives it makes me feel like a baby Huey computer nerd. Could you imagine being at someone's house and being summoned like your some fucking mongaloid?

I step into the living room again to meet the new arrivals and notice that Harriett is actually attractive. Not breathtaking, but attractive. She smiles, Ewok introduces me and I smile and wave hello. Harriett waves back and says "Hello Damon". WHAT THE FUCK?! As she opens her mouth to speak I feel a little shit nugget fall down my pant leg and my brow crumples with fear and awe. Some one had obviously taken Harriett's teeth and replaced them with tombstones from a haunted graveyard! Note to self: Take the Redman a little more serious when he critiques the ladies. I quickly turn my mortified gaze to the little Asian man standing next to her. "Damon, this is Chuck" Ewok blurts out while giving an arm motion towards him like he was some game show prize. I just gave him a eyebrow raise and a heads up nod. "Little sumbitch" I thought to myself as I stood there. As Ewok starts to talk to Graveyard Grill and Chuck I do an about face and go to the other room and back to my CD's. If I wasn't sure before, I was definitely sure after meeting the dynamic duo that I wasn't going anywhere. Fuck 'em both. It was just plain rude dragging everyone into their drama, especially when it was stormy weather outside AND I was trying to copy CD's.

Just before they are all about to leave, Ewoks yells back to me "DAMON! Are you going to go with us?" (with a touch of amusement in her voice)
"Naw. I don't think it's a good idea if I go. Let Chuck take the bullet..."
A moment of silence..."OK! Stay as long as you want and if you leave just go ahead and lock up"
"Ok, good luck"

After talking with the Redman after their trip to Mikodo's he confirms that Chuck did indeed drop Harriett off and went home. Harriett forgot her key to get in the apartment complex where Mikodo's dojo was and ended up just getting her car. What a fucking joke! I think Mikodo had locked himself in the house or something and for some reason that amused me, I was becoming a Mikodo fan. At the end of the night I saw the irony in the evening. Here was this 40 year old virgin who was so strong into her culture that she was keeping herself "pure" for when she finally decided to give up the goods to some hombre. Then you had Harriett, some one else who had the same culture as V yet was screwing one guy, then finding a new man and screwing the other guy over! There was no pride with Harriett, she wasn't as naive as V, yet played the victim to her friends. And this Chuck fellow, what a puss, actually shame on Toothy McToothtooth and Chuck! How disrespectful they were to poor little Mikodo.

My eyes have been open to the fact that havng no class isn't just an American thing, it is known world wide. What a treat.

My only regret for the night was not thanking V for the fine cuisine she brought over (she had skipped out like a ninja on the run and I didn't know) and getting caught up in some bizarre drama which costs me a few CD downloads.

Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be teamed up with Shark Teef at the Redman and Ewok's wedding! Curses! Unless she can do a mean robot I don't think I like her.

DJB